I’ve had some experiences with mediated communication mixing with personal ones. I mean, everyone has, especially with the internet being a reality. I mean comparing online interactions with face to face ones. It can seem as if you’re better friends with someone than you really are. It seems Facebook had changed the definition of the word friend. Are all these people on our friends list really our friends? Maybe they are friends in a different way.
I’ve had friends who I’ve had long conversations with, chatting about comics and cosplay and Dragon Con and all things geeky. Online these chats were, and long and interesting and involved, too. Jokes made, anecdotes shared, confessions made. Then the revelation: a meeting in person. In my mind I imagined all of these things I was going to say, how it was going to be, the feelings I would have. But I met her and I felt awkward and I didn’t know what to say. I tried to talk for a bit, and I did manage a short conversation, but then I decided to leave, because I was feeling awkward and didn’t know what to say. Maybe I should’ve stayed longer and worked through the awkwardness, feeling the feelings of not knowing what to say.
Was it because I had a crush on her? Did I have a crush on her? Can you get to know someone through a few (okay, a lot of) conversations online? On the MTV show Catfish, people meet another person online and then find out he or she is not as the person represented themselves. This was not that situation: I first met this woman in person and I know she is who she said she is. Or do I? You can’t second guess everything, but Catfish does remind us that you can be deceived online. Could it be a friend of hers who talks to me at times? Or her boyfriend? I don’t think so, but who knows?
So, I got cold feet. I was tongue tied. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that her boyfriend was sitting there. I don’t think I had designs on her affections (she’s given me no indication that she wasn’t happy with the guy), even though I do find her looks and personality very attractive.
I don’t doubt that I could have a conversation with her if given another chance. I was very nervous. Maybe I do have a crush on her. Crushes can be these innocent things and don’t have to be the end or the beginning of anything. I’ve talked to her since. Things seem to be pretty okay, but it’s still online and text right now. Maybe I’ll see her again (it’s likely even. We have some friends in common.) I think I just have to temper my expectations and be more confident.
As to the question of whether our not you can develop feelings for someone from online interactions, I think maybe you can. If both parties are honest and present a face that can be understood or related to. People in face to face interactions don’t always represent themselves truthfully, after all. I’ve maintained many a friendship, crush, or love through online interactions, so I think it’s possible.
In this post, I started briefly by presenting this situation as a hypothetical (I’ve had friends…) and moved to the very real story of what had happened. Call it confessional blogging, but it’s a big load off my mind
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