Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Myself Revisited (Poem)


Inspired by and while listening to Heart's "Alone."

I hear the ticking of the clock
I’m writing a poem for you in the dark
I wonder what you’re thinking about tonight
Don’t want to text you on the telephone.

And my life’s going by so slow
I hope it doesn’t end before I know myself.

‘Til now, I always got by being detached from myself.
I never really thought until I met you.
And now it chills me to the bone.
How do I reconcile my abstract concept of you with the reality?

You don’t know how long I have wished
That someone would think I was a decent and cool person (And then you did).
You don’t know how long I have waited

For someone who would listen to my song (It was probably an Elvis song).
But the secret is still my own (I don’t know what I’m doing.)
And my concept of you is still off the mark.
‘Til now I always got by thinking about myself as unworthy
I never really thought until you made me.
And now it chills me to the bone.
How do my thoughts of you reconvene into a semblance of realistic peace I once held for you?

Saturday, December 22, 2012

A Good Day Disguised

On a bad day, on a really bad day

You may wish that it had never happened.

You may lament, you may regret.

"I wish this day had never happened;

I wish I hadn't said that."

Speaking in anger

Told him what you really think, not caring how much it would hurt him.

Messing up your friends' day, when you told him and her you were having a bad day

Bringing them down with you, the ones you told of your pain.

A horrible spiral of bad that wouldn't seem to end.

Also, pretending the world would end, if not just for fun.

Trying to cheer yourself up

Sending love her way.

Pretending you didn't mean what you said

When freed of the fear of caring what she thought

When really you meant it in every case.

At some points that day, it felt the sky was falling and things seemed grim,

But then you think of some good things that happened that day

Reconciliations long time coming

The emotions expressed at the end of the world.

Being wild and unruly is never a bad thing.

The laughs you had on the day you wish never happened

Would disappear, too, if those tears were gone.

You gave in to anger, and not a little, too,

But persevered and banished its influence.

Time it seems has healed the wound a bit

And morning brings the wisdom that even bad days can be good ones.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Speaking one's mind effectively

I will offer some thoughts here about speaking my mind, as it seems that's what you do when you write. I'm taking rhetorical theory this semester in school. It seems to be linked to seduction, in the sense that you are trying to change someone's mind, or alter their thinking, or maybe more specifically, align their own thought pattern s to match your own vibrations. I've read the book The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene and I've even read Neil Strauss' The Game by the Rolling Stone writer turned pick-up artist. I see a lot of rhetoric in their writing even. I took to Green's work more because he uses literary examples. (I've even read Tucker Max's book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Max seems pretty classless in his dealings with the opposite sex to me, but he is a good writer. I enjoyed his style at least. There were times when I read it that I didn't really like him, but I kept reading it. I'm digressing...)

The point I want to make about rhetoric involves speaking your mind. Our professor had a discussion one lecture about speaking your mind. She said that there are some people who watch everything they say, because they are concerned about what other people will think of them. As has been the case many times in the semester, I felt like she was speaking directly to me. (The other time was when she said that there are people who get by as English majors by being good writers and tricking a professor into thinking you know what you are writing about.) I am very much that person she described who was concerned about what everyone thinks, or at least I was.

In my personal dealing with people, I tend to over-think everything. I am that guy who is about to send you a message on Facebook, but looks it over before he sends it. Did I spell everything right? Would this joke offend you? How will you interpret that the wrong way? Will you like me less for expressing an opinion that you do not share? The truth of this equation is that people tend to like those individuals who speak their mind better than the ones who watch everything they say. Sure, you don't want to offend everyone, or anyone I suppose, if you can avoid it. But people are going to get offended. People are going to disagree with you. If a person likes you and agrees with you because you watch everything you say, is that person really your friend?

I have tried an experiment over the last few weeks on the recommendation of a friend. She advised me to speak my mind without filters to at least one person that week. I've tried it and I've tried it a few times more as the weeks have gone by. I've yet to have someone tell me they were offended by the specific times that I consciously tried to do this. I was very afraid every time I acted without filters, but it has become easier over time. And I feel so much better.

Speaking my mind to a few select people has been freeing in many ways. (This is not meant in the way of 'telling someone off' at all, only in expressing general opinions.) I like to think that I am an honest person, but maybe I was being more deceptive than I thought that I was being. Speech, and the power of speech, is most effective when it is not filtered. Certainly there are ways to manipulate it, there are ways to mold it, adapt it, and shape it to your purposes, but if you are afraid to say something, you limit yourself and your effectiveness to convince someone to think like you are thinking.

To use an example from popular culture, I give you Raj from Big Bang Theory. If you're not familiar with the television show, Raj has trouble speaking to beautiful women unless he is intoxicated, to the point that he can't say anything to one unless he is drunk. This is mainly because his filters are down when he's drinking. Now I have sent a drunken message or two before in my time. Though mine are never rude, I can come across as a little more forward than I would be if I had not had a few drinks. Why can we not choose to act more in touch with how we really feel without the influence of alcohol? Why am I more willing to tell you that you are one of the coolest women I've ever met when I haven't had five glasses of wine? Raj and I both need to tap into that primal feeling of speaking our minds without resorting to an altered state of consciousness. I feel I can carry a conversation with a beautiful woman without turning into a babbling, stuttering mass of sweaty insecurity (most of the time), but I would strive for a more forward demeanor in specific interactions that has been lacking in my conversations in the past.

This very blog was an attempt to speak my mind. I would like to say I don't care if I've offended anyone, but I would be lying. Take it as it is, friends, and practice speaking your mind, too.