Who are you?
This is not an easy question for me to answer. I'm a student right now, and that role makes more sense to me than anything else ever has in my life. I like to think I'm intelligent, but honestly school is one of the few things I've ever managed to figure out. The rest of my life could stand to be improved.
I am usually a very kind person, oftentimes to my own detriment. I'm not saying it's bad to be nice, but in romantic situations I usually fall deep into that category of the nice guy that you want to tell everything to but not actually ever date. Maybe I'm being hard on myself, but it seems like I'm always someone's second choice or just their friend.
Don't get me wrong, I like having friends. I would just like to have someone who at least thinks I'm pretty cool in a "hey you're hot" way again. It's happened before, and I know that I'm not like this bad-looking guy that I used to think I was (though I still have moments of doubt), but sometimes I get tired of seeing everyone else in these happy relationships.
This is starting to sound like I'm not happy, and I don't want to give that impression. I am happy, I just want a little more out of my life. I don't actively seek out romance usually, but I do meet women that I'm interested in. Also, I feel like I probably have these ridiculously high standards which I should mention maybe.
I've joked about my high standards before, saying "I want someone gorgeous, kind, brilliant, and a little bit crazy." I am not a Yankee, a Laker, a millionaire, Hollywood actor, or someone else who can pick and choose who they want to date, but I do have standards. It's not exactly the way I joke about, though; it's more like I am particular about who I get serious about, if that makes any sense. I never wanted to get married just because I was lonely, though I am sometimes. I felt like I had to figure me out before I could get serious with someone. I would prefer someone who reads books, laughs easily, laughs at my jokes, challenges my mind, and thinks I am a little cooler than I think I am. (Now this is a personal ad.)
If it's not obvious from this post already, I adore women. I learned from my mother that women can be very special people. I talked earlier about having friends, and I much prefer having women as friends to men. I'm not saying I can't be friends with men, but women are so much easier to talk to about life in general than men for me. I love having women as friends, so maybe I tend to jump there quickly before I consider them as something more than a friend.
That's another thing I want to address before I close. I don't like the phrase just friends. Obviously, sometimes that does mean "I don't like you like that." For me, though, if you are my friend, truly my friend, there is something about you that I like, or even love. I've been writing about not finding romance, but maybe my romances are my friends. I take something from every friend I've ever had, whether it's a phrase, a joke, a style, a story you told me, a book you recommended, a movie we saw together, that trip we went on, or a new way of seeing the world that I was too stupid to see. (That's another thing I like about women: they're really good at letting you know how stupid you are.)
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
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