Out of Room (Blog)

Talk about your childhood bedroom.  
My childhood bedroom was a place where I went to be alone. I had friends, but as a young child, I remember preferring to be alone, or at least that's what I told myself. I can remember a lot of time, whole summers in fact, of being depressed and just spending time in my room. When I write about my childhood, I sometimes give the idea that is was a miserable one, and in a way it was. I had all of the modern conveniences, though, and my parents were relatively good parents, even great parents. I don't mean to say the were bad in any way; I just think that maybe they were not ready.

My room was a place that I could be me. It was a place I could sing and dance and read, and no one would judge me. I eventually realized that these things could be true outside of my room, too, but for a long time, my only true friends that I opened up to, for real, were my journals, poems, and books.

I remember meeting one young lady who called me out on my reclusive tendencies. She asked me why I was at home on a Friday night and not out doing something. I know someone had probably said this to me before, but I remember this time specifically, because I can remember defending my position. "But I like being by myself. I like reading and organizing my comic book collection." This is definitely one of those "if I could go back in time and knock myself upside the head I would" moments . "If a girl wants to hang out with you, young Jeremy, drop the comic book and go out."

I've gone through times in my life that I wanted to drop everything nerdy about me and start over, because I regretted how much of my life I had wasted on it. In a way, my life started late, and it wasn't until someone pointed it out to me like she did that I realized I wasn't really living. I'm not saying that nerdy stuff doesn't have its place, and I've embraced that side of me, but I have realized that these things shouldn't consume your life.

There is a psychological process that "late bloomers" go through, and it definitely happened to me. I knew I had to move forward, but I was resentful that I had wasted so much time. Life is a continual process and I still have things I'm working on to this day. But I did get out, I did start talking to people, I did start making friends, and I did make things better. There are still times when I feel like the most socially awkward person in the entire universe. But I realize now that it's okay to feel awkward as long as I'm trying.

The end of the story with the girl is that I did hang out with her a little bit. It wasn't easy for me, though, and I resisted the process still tooth and claw. I felt so safe being the way I was that I didn't want to let it go. Even though I had my moments with her (I kissed a girl and I definitely liked it), it also definitely did not work out. But it was the start of being a real person for me, a social person, and not someone who just spent his entire life alone in a room.

This post is part of The Scintilla Project.