I've had some good times with my Playstation 2, but it's probably about time to retire the one I have now. I've gone through most of 4 seasons on the basketball simulation of 2k10, with the Celtics winning all four times. I was controlling the Celtics, so maybe the game was too easy, but I think it could have happened the way it went down in the simulation.
Here's the justification broken down. 2009-2010: The first year had the match-up that was in the Finals anyway: Celtics/Lakers, with me beating the Lakers in 6 games. Lakers beat them in 7 in real life, so that one seems plausible. I had home court, too. I made a few moves, but the core team was intact.
2010-2011: Repeat of the last Finals, with Celtics beating the Lakers, this time in 7. Also had home court this time, so game 7 was in Boston. Again, this doesn't seem that improbable, especially considering that the big free agent period of this summer didn't go down in this simulation like it did in real life. Lebron stayed in Cleveland, Bosh stayed in Toronto (that seems unlikely, but let's go with it), and Wade left Miami and went to...Sacramento. Yeah, I don't think that could have ever happened either, but he did get a lot of money. Into his third season there, he hasn't made the playoffs. My team this year had a Troy Murphy (who I acquired in this season before they even considered it in real life) who was playing at center and performing like he did in his Indiana days. I also had Matt Bonner coming off the bench, so along with Garnett, I had a really good shooting big man team.
2011-2012: This Finals had the first sweep, with the Celtics beating the Thunder in 4 games. Again, the opponent seems likely, considering how good the Thunder are now, but not the result, right? Consider this: Kevin Durant was hurt a few rounds previous (torn acl) and they still got to the Finals. They couldn't beat me, but Russell Westbrook was phenomenal in the series.
2012-2013: Finals was Celtics over Portland in 6 games. This scenario for Portland was largely dependent on Brandon Roy not retiring and becoming a dominant player. Also, Aldridge was really good for them too, but Roy got hurt in game 5, which was a big game in the series. Pierce had been hurt until game 5 (playing games 1-4, but no where near healthy), and he played really well in game 5. Portland was up on me 2-1, but I didn't lose after the third game. Also, I had Tim Duncan for a center this year. He was a free agent and came to Boston for the veteran minimum essentially. Duncan, Garnett, Pierce, Ray Allen, and Rondo was the line-up.
Actually, by the Finals this year, Shannon Brown that I had traded someone for, had supplanted Allen as the starter, but Allen was the sixth man. Also, I still had Murphy coming off the bench on this team, and Luc Richard Mbah Boute and he would spell minutes for Pierce and Allen and Garnett all season. This would be an older team, but I think that this maybe could have happened. The only credible threat I had consistently out of the East were the Magic and the Hawks sometimes. Lebron in Cleveland kept losing in the first round, almost every year.
Another interesting footnote from this simulation: Kobe Bryant left Los Angeles after the second Finals loss to me and went to...the Minnesota Timberwolves. This doesn't seem that odd, I suppose, since the coach of the team at the time would have been Kurt Rambis, an ex-coach of Kobe's, and Phil Jackson had retired after he lost to the Celtics twice. He did really well with the Timberwolves, actually. They kept Al Jefferson, had Kevin Love still, and added a few more quality players, and had first seed in the West in 2011-12, but lost in the first round by a large upset to the New Orleans Hornets, who still had Chris Paul. He only got as far as the Western Conference Finals in 2012-13. I was pulling for the Timberwolves/Celtics Finals, but it didn't happen.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Uneven Odds of Winning (Blog)
You can't beat yourself up for doing stupid things, but sometimes you just feel like an idiot. I was hanging out with my brother tonight and he was going to buy some lottery tickets, because of course the jackpot is up to a trillion dollars (or something like that), and I asked him to get me some tickets. Of course, if I had won I would be ecstatic, but what are the odds of that?
I didn't go crazy by any means. I spent less than $10 on some tickets, but still. I make fun of people who buy scratch off tickets every week and here I am doing what they do. I know the odds are bad and I see people every week who waste their money on these games. If you have fun with it, I don't judge, but for me, it is wasteful. I have never thought that it was worth it. Again, it's not a lot of money, but think what I could have done with that money? I could have bought a book, or lunch tomorrow, or paid for part of a movie.
I'm not distraught by any means, but I am embarrassed for myself. I let the possibility of winning money cloud my previous judgment that told me that buying these tickets is just not worth it. At least for me it's not. It was fun for a minute to think I might win something, but then that feeling was followed by the crushing realization that I would never see that money again.
I wonder if people who play regularly get this feeling, too. Maybe it is fun for them, or why else would they play it? I'm not putting myself on a pedestal over this, because I have less than constructive activities that I can't stop doing myself (web surfing, karaoke, and television come to mind). I think it comes back to moderation and control. In regards to my addictive activities, I feel better if I'm writing a blog or reading scholarly articles when surfing the web than if I'm looking at funny pictures of penguins or watching silly Youtube videos. Same with t.v.: if I'm watching something really cool or instructive, a really good movie, or a documentary maybe, I feel like I'm wasting my time less than if I'm watching Ice Loves Coco on the E! Channel.
It would be nice to disconnect and just be by myself for a while, at least just a few hours. I could just lay down in bed or on a couch and read a book. I think the lottery ticket buyer might like to not play for a week, too. It could be as stressful for them as it was for me tonight, wondering every week if you are a winner, checking numbers, and starting all over again if you don't win. I would like to say I won't ever buy a ticket again, but I really can't say that. Maybe when I start to feel the urge, I'll read my own advice here.
I didn't go crazy by any means. I spent less than $10 on some tickets, but still. I make fun of people who buy scratch off tickets every week and here I am doing what they do. I know the odds are bad and I see people every week who waste their money on these games. If you have fun with it, I don't judge, but for me, it is wasteful. I have never thought that it was worth it. Again, it's not a lot of money, but think what I could have done with that money? I could have bought a book, or lunch tomorrow, or paid for part of a movie.
I'm not distraught by any means, but I am embarrassed for myself. I let the possibility of winning money cloud my previous judgment that told me that buying these tickets is just not worth it. At least for me it's not. It was fun for a minute to think I might win something, but then that feeling was followed by the crushing realization that I would never see that money again.
I wonder if people who play regularly get this feeling, too. Maybe it is fun for them, or why else would they play it? I'm not putting myself on a pedestal over this, because I have less than constructive activities that I can't stop doing myself (web surfing, karaoke, and television come to mind). I think it comes back to moderation and control. In regards to my addictive activities, I feel better if I'm writing a blog or reading scholarly articles when surfing the web than if I'm looking at funny pictures of penguins or watching silly Youtube videos. Same with t.v.: if I'm watching something really cool or instructive, a really good movie, or a documentary maybe, I feel like I'm wasting my time less than if I'm watching Ice Loves Coco on the E! Channel.
It would be nice to disconnect and just be by myself for a while, at least just a few hours. I could just lay down in bed or on a couch and read a book. I think the lottery ticket buyer might like to not play for a week, too. It could be as stressful for them as it was for me tonight, wondering every week if you are a winner, checking numbers, and starting all over again if you don't win. I would like to say I won't ever buy a ticket again, but I really can't say that. Maybe when I start to feel the urge, I'll read my own advice here.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
(Blog) Insecurity and Youthful Transgressions
Talk about breaking someone else's heart, or having your own heart broken.
I'm afraid to write about this one, but I will do it anyway. Writing about having my own heart broken would be easy enough, but that doesn't affect me nearly as much as when I do it to someone else. Having my own heart broken has definitely happened to me before, but I get over it. That's a pain I can handle. But breaking someone else's heart is a special kind of pain. I don't know that I've ever done it too many times and there are times when you don't know you have. I'm going to try to write about a time when I might have.
I met a woman at my job a few years ago. I guess it's several years ago now that I think about it. I'm thinking it's close to a decade now that I really think about it. She was pretty. I flirted with her like I do. She made a point to come back and ask for my number I think, or maybe I asked for her number. Anyway, we started hanging out and I really got along with her. We went out several times. I even went to her church a time or two I think. I met her family. Things seemed to be going pretty good.
Then I stopped calling her. I can't even remember why I did. I remember it getting to a certain point and realizing that it had been too long and that I should. But I still didn't.
I know things were going well. I got along with her family and everything. I was scared probably. I think things were going too well. In my mind I saw the future laid out before me and it scared me. I saw what was coming next after what was happening then and it was frightening. And this was so irrational because I was projecting years into the future even, and I'm not even sure I was aware of it. It wasn't even close to being serious, but going to church and meeting family seemed pretty serious, or at least going in that direction.
I feel egotistical assuming I broke her heart, but there is a bit of a postscript to this. I found out from a friend that she had asked about me, and the two of them had a talk. I'm a narcissist about people having conversations about me, but it hurt to hear about this conversation a little bit. She told my friend that she thought I was scared off by her family. She didn't say much else, but it hurt me to hear this, because I didn't really know at the time the reason I had stopped calling her, but I didn't think it was because of her family. I really don't know what may have happened had I not stopped calling her. I talked to her at least one time after hearing that, but I probably made it worse since I didn't keep in touch after that either.
I was such a jerk in this, but it was mainly due to insecurity. I feel like it probably did work out for the best. I'm sure she's married by now, 'cause she was pretty cool and very pretty. I may not have broken her heart necessarily, but I was an idiot. There would have been a much better way to handle the end of it. I am a very nice guy usually, or I try to be, and I don't think I meant to start ignoring her like I did. Maybe she forgot about me quick after I stopped calling for a few days, but maybe not. My friend who talked to her that day, who knows me pretty well, seemed to think she wouldn't have been right for me, but I regret the way it went down.
Post is for The Scintilla Project.
I'm afraid to write about this one, but I will do it anyway. Writing about having my own heart broken would be easy enough, but that doesn't affect me nearly as much as when I do it to someone else. Having my own heart broken has definitely happened to me before, but I get over it. That's a pain I can handle. But breaking someone else's heart is a special kind of pain. I don't know that I've ever done it too many times and there are times when you don't know you have. I'm going to try to write about a time when I might have.
I met a woman at my job a few years ago. I guess it's several years ago now that I think about it. I'm thinking it's close to a decade now that I really think about it. She was pretty. I flirted with her like I do. She made a point to come back and ask for my number I think, or maybe I asked for her number. Anyway, we started hanging out and I really got along with her. We went out several times. I even went to her church a time or two I think. I met her family. Things seemed to be going pretty good.
Then I stopped calling her. I can't even remember why I did. I remember it getting to a certain point and realizing that it had been too long and that I should. But I still didn't.
I know things were going well. I got along with her family and everything. I was scared probably. I think things were going too well. In my mind I saw the future laid out before me and it scared me. I saw what was coming next after what was happening then and it was frightening. And this was so irrational because I was projecting years into the future even, and I'm not even sure I was aware of it. It wasn't even close to being serious, but going to church and meeting family seemed pretty serious, or at least going in that direction.
I feel egotistical assuming I broke her heart, but there is a bit of a postscript to this. I found out from a friend that she had asked about me, and the two of them had a talk. I'm a narcissist about people having conversations about me, but it hurt to hear about this conversation a little bit. She told my friend that she thought I was scared off by her family. She didn't say much else, but it hurt me to hear this, because I didn't really know at the time the reason I had stopped calling her, but I didn't think it was because of her family. I really don't know what may have happened had I not stopped calling her. I talked to her at least one time after hearing that, but I probably made it worse since I didn't keep in touch after that either.
I was such a jerk in this, but it was mainly due to insecurity. I feel like it probably did work out for the best. I'm sure she's married by now, 'cause she was pretty cool and very pretty. I may not have broken her heart necessarily, but I was an idiot. There would have been a much better way to handle the end of it. I am a very nice guy usually, or I try to be, and I don't think I meant to start ignoring her like I did. Maybe she forgot about me quick after I stopped calling for a few days, but maybe not. My friend who talked to her that day, who knows me pretty well, seemed to think she wouldn't have been right for me, but I regret the way it went down.
Post is for The Scintilla Project.
Sequential Journey (Blog)
Write a list of 23. (23 things to do, 23 people you owe apologies to, 23 books you've lied about reading, 23 things you can see from where you're sitting, 23 ten-word hooks for stories you want to tell....)
I want to make a list of 23 comic books that I have strong memories of. I'm going to stream of consciousness, scatter plot, word association this list's order, so most have no more importance than the others. These are just 23 comics I've read and remember. (Edit: I wrote detailed descriptions for the first several, but I just listed the titles after number 8. I tend to go on about comics and didn't want to write a novel here.)
1.This one is more important to me than the others. Bone is one of my all-time favorite comic books. I was introduced to it in high school by a classmate. I started reading it around issue 15 or so and collected it after that. It's best described as Disney cartoon characters thrown into a Tolkien like mythical setting. It's funny, touching, and entertaining. It was difficult to wait for the installments sometimes, because each issue came out every three months at best. There may have been some issues that came out in two months time, but then there were times when it was closer to five months, too. But it was understandable because Jeff Smith did everything for the series. Everything. Most comic books have a publisher, letterer, inker, penciler, editor, and colorist (well Bone was originally published in black and white, but anyway...). Jeff Smith did everything for this book.
I try to read it all the way through every once in a while.
2. Preacher. I have yet to read the entire series, though I know the story well enough to know what happens at the end. It's not for kids, so don't give it to your 10-year old, but it's a wonderful example of what the genre is capable of. If you're not offended at some point, I would be surprised. It definitely has some controversial spots. Cassidy from the book would eat Edward Cullen for breakfast.
3. Marshall Law. I found some of these in 50 cent boxes at first, but slowly learned to appreciate that it was a steal for half a dollar. Again, this one's not for kids, but it pokes fun at the entire super-hero genre. Marshall Law hunts super-heroes down, but he's essentially one himself. It makes fun of you for reading it. Plus, his costume's just cool. I've never seen anyone do him for cosplay, but it would be cool.
4. X-Men. I can't really talk about comic books and not mention X-Men. This was my gateway drug to super-hero comics. Well, to being obsessed with them anyway. I read comics before this one, but I got waaaay into X-Men. I sold most of my collection not long after the first movie came out (I got way too little for them and I have bought a lot of them back strangely enough), but at that point I had purchased the comic new off the shelf for a little better than a hundred months. That wasn't even including the second title that was eventually released and that I also collected. It got to the point that I would buy the issues even if I didn't like the last one. I eventually had to stop because I knew that I wouldn't stop unless they stopped printing it, and at the time that didn't seem very likely. I picked it up again less than six months later, and that group of stories ended up being my favorite ever (Grant Morrison's 41 issue run).
Strangely enough, Uncanny X-Men actually did cease publication recently, though it was simply renumbered. Had I still been collecting every issue, I might have taken that as a cue to stop. Maybe.
5. Fantastic Four. I'm talking about the super-hero stuff now, but it was what got me into comics as a kid. Fantastic Four is still one of my favorites in super-hero stuff. The Thing and Alicia Masters was one of my first fictional romances I ever cared about.
6. Adam Warlock. Some of these are just twisted. I though of him because he was introduced in Fantastic Four. He has these dark and strange stories that are just bizarrely awesome. The morbid little teenager I was couldn't get enough of these, though I was reading them as reprints or back issues. Gamora was this sexy green girl, Thanos was this huge purple guy who had questionable morals (more on him in a bit), and Warlock was just depressed all the time. In order to save the universe from his future self (he was lost in an alternate dimension for 1,000 years and came out with an white afro and purple skin), Warlock goes forward in time to the moment before he gets lost in the dimension. He asks his future self if he knows why he's there and the future guy angrily says, "Of course I know," and proceeds to tell him that his life has become a living hell and he lost everyone he ever cared about, and that he welcomes death. So he kills him and then the next several issues are everything that the future guy said would happen happening. Then the last story is the past version coming back from this side of the event. Twisted.
7. Thanos from Warlock, Thanos Quest and Infinity Gauntlet. (Yes, originally from Iron Man of course.) This guy was my hero as a little goth kid. I didn't cheer for the heroes, I really cheered for him. He is so steeped in morbidness that he's almost a cliche. He worships Death his entire life. He kills his mother when he's a kid and makes it look like an accident because he's mad she brought him to life (this was one of the things I didn't see eye to eye with him on. That's your mom, dude.) Death appears before him as a woman and has him commit murder in her name. He gains the power of a god and snaps his fingers, instantly wiping out half the people in the universe. He does this all for her (well it's Death) and she kind of just shrugs.
Thanos had these bizarre theories about keeping the population of the universe down like deer populations or something. Again, it was so morbid, but even back then I saw it as a love story. Of course the heroes win and everything is fixed, including all of the people that died, but the point is he learned he couldn't please her even by becoming a god. At the end of the story, he's renounces death worshiping and becomes a farmer. It was a great ending, but of course the original story made so much money that there are 2 sequels.
8. Strangers in Paradise. This is another favorite that came out about the same time as Bone. I have read this entire series. It loses direction at spots, but it's such an emotionally charged story that you will remember it for a while. Highest recommendation. If you read this whole series and don't at least tear up a few times, I would raise my eyebrows at you a little.
9. Transformers.
10. Ultimate Spider-Man
11. Ghost World
12. Sin City
13. Watchmen
14. Persepolis
15. Maus
16. Superman/Madman Hullabaloo
17. Big Guy and Rusty the Robot
18. Gon
19. Batman
20. Crisis on Infinite Earths
21. Authority
22. Ultimates
23. Rasl.
24. Iron Man. I totally remembered Iron Man when I added the footnote about Thanos, so I'm extending the list by one. I've read maybe almost as many issues of Iron Man as X-Men. The movies get it totally right. By far the most accurate comic book to movie translation among super-hero movies. Ghost World is good, too, though it's different.
Post is part of The Scintilla Project.
I want to make a list of 23 comic books that I have strong memories of. I'm going to stream of consciousness, scatter plot, word association this list's order, so most have no more importance than the others. These are just 23 comics I've read and remember. (Edit: I wrote detailed descriptions for the first several, but I just listed the titles after number 8. I tend to go on about comics and didn't want to write a novel here.)
1.This one is more important to me than the others. Bone is one of my all-time favorite comic books. I was introduced to it in high school by a classmate. I started reading it around issue 15 or so and collected it after that. It's best described as Disney cartoon characters thrown into a Tolkien like mythical setting. It's funny, touching, and entertaining. It was difficult to wait for the installments sometimes, because each issue came out every three months at best. There may have been some issues that came out in two months time, but then there were times when it was closer to five months, too. But it was understandable because Jeff Smith did everything for the series. Everything. Most comic books have a publisher, letterer, inker, penciler, editor, and colorist (well Bone was originally published in black and white, but anyway...). Jeff Smith did everything for this book.
I try to read it all the way through every once in a while.
2. Preacher. I have yet to read the entire series, though I know the story well enough to know what happens at the end. It's not for kids, so don't give it to your 10-year old, but it's a wonderful example of what the genre is capable of. If you're not offended at some point, I would be surprised. It definitely has some controversial spots. Cassidy from the book would eat Edward Cullen for breakfast.
3. Marshall Law. I found some of these in 50 cent boxes at first, but slowly learned to appreciate that it was a steal for half a dollar. Again, this one's not for kids, but it pokes fun at the entire super-hero genre. Marshall Law hunts super-heroes down, but he's essentially one himself. It makes fun of you for reading it. Plus, his costume's just cool. I've never seen anyone do him for cosplay, but it would be cool.
4. X-Men. I can't really talk about comic books and not mention X-Men. This was my gateway drug to super-hero comics. Well, to being obsessed with them anyway. I read comics before this one, but I got waaaay into X-Men. I sold most of my collection not long after the first movie came out (I got way too little for them and I have bought a lot of them back strangely enough), but at that point I had purchased the comic new off the shelf for a little better than a hundred months. That wasn't even including the second title that was eventually released and that I also collected. It got to the point that I would buy the issues even if I didn't like the last one. I eventually had to stop because I knew that I wouldn't stop unless they stopped printing it, and at the time that didn't seem very likely. I picked it up again less than six months later, and that group of stories ended up being my favorite ever (Grant Morrison's 41 issue run).
Strangely enough, Uncanny X-Men actually did cease publication recently, though it was simply renumbered. Had I still been collecting every issue, I might have taken that as a cue to stop. Maybe.
5. Fantastic Four. I'm talking about the super-hero stuff now, but it was what got me into comics as a kid. Fantastic Four is still one of my favorites in super-hero stuff. The Thing and Alicia Masters was one of my first fictional romances I ever cared about.
6. Adam Warlock. Some of these are just twisted. I though of him because he was introduced in Fantastic Four. He has these dark and strange stories that are just bizarrely awesome. The morbid little teenager I was couldn't get enough of these, though I was reading them as reprints or back issues. Gamora was this sexy green girl, Thanos was this huge purple guy who had questionable morals (more on him in a bit), and Warlock was just depressed all the time. In order to save the universe from his future self (he was lost in an alternate dimension for 1,000 years and came out with an white afro and purple skin), Warlock goes forward in time to the moment before he gets lost in the dimension. He asks his future self if he knows why he's there and the future guy angrily says, "Of course I know," and proceeds to tell him that his life has become a living hell and he lost everyone he ever cared about, and that he welcomes death. So he kills him and then the next several issues are everything that the future guy said would happen happening. Then the last story is the past version coming back from this side of the event. Twisted.
7. Thanos from Warlock, Thanos Quest and Infinity Gauntlet. (Yes, originally from Iron Man of course.) This guy was my hero as a little goth kid. I didn't cheer for the heroes, I really cheered for him. He is so steeped in morbidness that he's almost a cliche. He worships Death his entire life. He kills his mother when he's a kid and makes it look like an accident because he's mad she brought him to life (this was one of the things I didn't see eye to eye with him on. That's your mom, dude.) Death appears before him as a woman and has him commit murder in her name. He gains the power of a god and snaps his fingers, instantly wiping out half the people in the universe. He does this all for her (well it's Death) and she kind of just shrugs.
Thanos had these bizarre theories about keeping the population of the universe down like deer populations or something. Again, it was so morbid, but even back then I saw it as a love story. Of course the heroes win and everything is fixed, including all of the people that died, but the point is he learned he couldn't please her even by becoming a god. At the end of the story, he's renounces death worshiping and becomes a farmer. It was a great ending, but of course the original story made so much money that there are 2 sequels.
8. Strangers in Paradise. This is another favorite that came out about the same time as Bone. I have read this entire series. It loses direction at spots, but it's such an emotionally charged story that you will remember it for a while. Highest recommendation. If you read this whole series and don't at least tear up a few times, I would raise my eyebrows at you a little.
9. Transformers.
10. Ultimate Spider-Man
11. Ghost World
12. Sin City
13. Watchmen
14. Persepolis
15. Maus
16. Superman/Madman Hullabaloo
17. Big Guy and Rusty the Robot
18. Gon
19. Batman
20. Crisis on Infinite Earths
21. Authority
22. Ultimates
23. Rasl.
24. Iron Man. I totally remembered Iron Man when I added the footnote about Thanos, so I'm extending the list by one. I've read maybe almost as many issues of Iron Man as X-Men. The movies get it totally right. By far the most accurate comic book to movie translation among super-hero movies. Ghost World is good, too, though it's different.
Post is part of The Scintilla Project.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Anger Managed in Time (Blog)
Talk about a time you lost your temper.
This happened just recently, and I remember it because it hadn't happened in a while. I was doing a baseball draft for this season's fantasy baseball. It was in the middle of the draft and my computer started freezing up. There's only a minute to make picks, so I missed a few picks and they were auto selected for me based on what Yahoo ranked these players.
Obviously, this was no big deal. It's just for fun, I'm not losing any money over it, and it's just a game. But I got mad. I mean I was cursing mad. I felt my blood pressure going up and I was frustrated. It seems funny and silly to think about it now, and the picks that were not made by me were actually pretty good ones, but I definitely lost my temper.
The bad thing about losing your temper is that it can mess up your whole day. I've written about my younger days a little here, and there were times when I was very angry. It usually came from being depressed and not knowing how to deal with it. Again, I'm an expert at it now, dealing with stress, though that's not to say that I don't get depressed or stressed out anymore, because I do. But you carry it with you if you get angry, and it's a lot easier in life if you learn to laugh some things off.
It's quite all right to be down sometimes. I don't think you revel in it, but it's an unrealistic expectation to be up all the time. I think you can shoot for most of the time, and you would be doing okay.
I used to lose my temper with people I cared about. If a friend was doing something that I thought was stupid, I would let her know. I learned that that was the worst thing I could do probably, and that I should just listen sometimes, or at least wait until my opinion was asked for.
I try to be honest about myself. I would never say I don't worry about things that seem stupid or silly to someone observing me from an outside perspective. I over-analyze things a lot, and I sometimes expect everything to mean something. Sometimes a horse is just a horse, though.
I'm going on a tangent a little, but what I'm trying to say is that emotions and temper and control and patience are all things that you constantly work on. Even the most patient and well-balanced people in the world could stand to work on something. I think it's okay to lose control of your emotions from time to time, but making a habit of it is just bad for you. Learn to laugh at yourself.
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
This happened just recently, and I remember it because it hadn't happened in a while. I was doing a baseball draft for this season's fantasy baseball. It was in the middle of the draft and my computer started freezing up. There's only a minute to make picks, so I missed a few picks and they were auto selected for me based on what Yahoo ranked these players.
Obviously, this was no big deal. It's just for fun, I'm not losing any money over it, and it's just a game. But I got mad. I mean I was cursing mad. I felt my blood pressure going up and I was frustrated. It seems funny and silly to think about it now, and the picks that were not made by me were actually pretty good ones, but I definitely lost my temper.
The bad thing about losing your temper is that it can mess up your whole day. I've written about my younger days a little here, and there were times when I was very angry. It usually came from being depressed and not knowing how to deal with it. Again, I'm an expert at it now, dealing with stress, though that's not to say that I don't get depressed or stressed out anymore, because I do. But you carry it with you if you get angry, and it's a lot easier in life if you learn to laugh some things off.
It's quite all right to be down sometimes. I don't think you revel in it, but it's an unrealistic expectation to be up all the time. I think you can shoot for most of the time, and you would be doing okay.
I used to lose my temper with people I cared about. If a friend was doing something that I thought was stupid, I would let her know. I learned that that was the worst thing I could do probably, and that I should just listen sometimes, or at least wait until my opinion was asked for.
I try to be honest about myself. I would never say I don't worry about things that seem stupid or silly to someone observing me from an outside perspective. I over-analyze things a lot, and I sometimes expect everything to mean something. Sometimes a horse is just a horse, though.
I'm going on a tangent a little, but what I'm trying to say is that emotions and temper and control and patience are all things that you constantly work on. Even the most patient and well-balanced people in the world could stand to work on something. I think it's okay to lose control of your emotions from time to time, but making a habit of it is just bad for you. Learn to laugh at yourself.
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
What's my Age Again? (Blog)
What is it that you're sure you'll never forget about being this age, or an age of your choice?
I think I try to forget my age. It's there, I know it, but I don't want to think about it. I'm 34, but I don't even know what that means. Should I feel old? Because I usually don't. I think I will remember turning 30 maybe, but just because I was worried about it. After it happened, there were some good things that happened that let me know that it wasn't the end of the world.
I write a lot about mellowing out, and you have to. Yes, again, I'm not perfect. I get angry and frustrated. But nowhere near like I used to. Not even close.
I remember being 17 and angry at life. I remember being 21 even, and frustrated. It felt so good when I started to realize that I didn't have to be like that all of the time. But now, things are good. There are things I would change about my youth, but I like where I'm at. There are things I would change about me now, and I am and can, but I'm happy.
I would say my memory is changing, but I don't want to say I'm losing my memory. I do still remember things, lots of things, but I'm learning that not everything is important to remember. I've read so much lately about memory being this imperfect thing that it almost seems silly to rely so much on memory. You don't remember things exactly as they happened.
I do enjoy being told that I don't look my age, though, and I don't. I'm not trying to be vain or anything, it's just true. I suppose it will catch up to me some day, and there are times now I don't even get carded for 21 and over type things, but I still get mistaken for younger.
I think I do remember a time not too long before my last birthday when someone had my age pegged almost exactly right. It felt a little disappointing to have someone guess close to my exact age. It was a woman who was older than me, so maybe she was just good at guessing from personalities is what I told myself.
I like the age I'm at. Again, I like where I'm at. It could be better, yes, but this is a good time for me.
This post is for The Scintilla Project.
I think I try to forget my age. It's there, I know it, but I don't want to think about it. I'm 34, but I don't even know what that means. Should I feel old? Because I usually don't. I think I will remember turning 30 maybe, but just because I was worried about it. After it happened, there were some good things that happened that let me know that it wasn't the end of the world.
I write a lot about mellowing out, and you have to. Yes, again, I'm not perfect. I get angry and frustrated. But nowhere near like I used to. Not even close.
I remember being 17 and angry at life. I remember being 21 even, and frustrated. It felt so good when I started to realize that I didn't have to be like that all of the time. But now, things are good. There are things I would change about my youth, but I like where I'm at. There are things I would change about me now, and I am and can, but I'm happy.
I would say my memory is changing, but I don't want to say I'm losing my memory. I do still remember things, lots of things, but I'm learning that not everything is important to remember. I've read so much lately about memory being this imperfect thing that it almost seems silly to rely so much on memory. You don't remember things exactly as they happened.
I do enjoy being told that I don't look my age, though, and I don't. I'm not trying to be vain or anything, it's just true. I suppose it will catch up to me some day, and there are times now I don't even get carded for 21 and over type things, but I still get mistaken for younger.
I think I do remember a time not too long before my last birthday when someone had my age pegged almost exactly right. It felt a little disappointing to have someone guess close to my exact age. It was a woman who was older than me, so maybe she was just good at guessing from personalities is what I told myself.
I like the age I'm at. Again, I like where I'm at. It could be better, yes, but this is a good time for me.
This post is for The Scintilla Project.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Trapped in a Box (Blog)
What are your simplest pleasures? Go beyond description and into showing the experience of each indulgence.
I would like to think all of my pleasures are simple, but this is most likely not true. I like reading, though that pleasure has its complexities. I like watching television, and I think that that is a simple pleasure, or at least a simple minded pleasure. So much of television is just fluff, or lacking substance. I'm not trying to sound like a grumpy old man, though maybe I will, or maybe I am, but a lot of what is on television now is devoid of substance. And I know this and still watch it.
I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be, or so I like to tell myself. I still watch a few shows that will make me seem like a hypocrite for the things I'm saying about television. I have watched Jersey Shore before, more than once. More than five times actually. I regularly watch judge shows on my days off, and sometimes even when I'm not off if I have the time. I watch Family Guy, American Dad, and Simpsons. Family Guy is a show that I watch that I think is funny, but every once in a while will have this moment that I wonder why I'm watching it. If you find yourself having opinions about people, places, and things that you didn't think up yourself, and that maybe don't make sense, you might be watching too much t.v.
I like watching certain mindless things because I would like to just shut off my brain for a half hour. Do I know that watching Wipeout is not enriching my mind? Sure, but maybe I just want to veg out like Cher from Clueless.
I've mentioned a few, but reality shows are all over the channels now. These shows have writers. Some of them are no more authentic than a night of professional wrestling. I watch Pawn Stars sometimes, and I've seen Storage Wars. These shows are successful because these people are good actors. I'm not necessarily questioning the authenticity of the experience, though I do think some things that happen seem a little too convenient to be true, but the shows are recreating an experience. It's pretty hard to capture every interesting moment in the everyday life of a pawn shop. One might think there are not many of these moments, yet people are watching this show. The characters are likable. However much you may watch and enjoy this show (and I'm including myself as a viewer), you are watching a production. I can't know that everything is authentic of course, but I do think that at least a touch of it is somewhat staged by the nature of the beast.
(Specifically, I find it hard to believe when the Pawn Star employees and owners let a customer know when something is worth more money than they are asking. Maybe I'm wrong, but most pawn shops I've ever been to would just keep quiet and buy it. Though perhaps a good reputation for honesty is what makes this particular pawn shop so successful perhaps. Repeat business is never bad.)
There is another type of reality show that's been around for longer than any other form is hardly ever attacked or criticized in the same way the others are: sports. Essentially, sporting events that are televised are reality shows. Are these games productions too? I think you have to conclude that they are, in a sense.
A sport that I watch is professional basketball, and the sport has certainly had its share of controversy in recent years. I get into watching basketball. I yell at the t.v. sometimes. I stand up for plays like I'm there. I believe that it is happening and the games have meaning. But it's true that popular players get preferential treatment in big games, referees have been caught gambling on games, and certain teams always catch the breaks (at least according to Mark Cuban, once upon a time). Who can say if the NBA is not as orchestrated an event as, say, the WWE? This is certainly not an original thought, as many have written books on this matter. Am I laughing at the people who watch "reality," when I should be wondering why I am so quick to swallow the pill, too?
Whatever the case, I think television viewers want to believe what they are watching, even if it isn't true. Wrestling fans seem to have a firm grasp on the reality of reality television. I've talked to fans of the previously mentioned WWE, and they will discuss with you the techniques that wrestlers use in the ring in a way that lets you know that they know that it's all a show. (Let me say, there is nothing fake about the dangers these athletes face. I wouldn't want to get in the ring with any of them either.) But a fan of wrestling is aware that this is a production and enjoys it anyway.
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
I would like to think all of my pleasures are simple, but this is most likely not true. I like reading, though that pleasure has its complexities. I like watching television, and I think that that is a simple pleasure, or at least a simple minded pleasure. So much of television is just fluff, or lacking substance. I'm not trying to sound like a grumpy old man, though maybe I will, or maybe I am, but a lot of what is on television now is devoid of substance. And I know this and still watch it.
I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be, or so I like to tell myself. I still watch a few shows that will make me seem like a hypocrite for the things I'm saying about television. I have watched Jersey Shore before, more than once. More than five times actually. I regularly watch judge shows on my days off, and sometimes even when I'm not off if I have the time. I watch Family Guy, American Dad, and Simpsons. Family Guy is a show that I watch that I think is funny, but every once in a while will have this moment that I wonder why I'm watching it. If you find yourself having opinions about people, places, and things that you didn't think up yourself, and that maybe don't make sense, you might be watching too much t.v.
I like watching certain mindless things because I would like to just shut off my brain for a half hour. Do I know that watching Wipeout is not enriching my mind? Sure, but maybe I just want to veg out like Cher from Clueless.
I've mentioned a few, but reality shows are all over the channels now. These shows have writers. Some of them are no more authentic than a night of professional wrestling. I watch Pawn Stars sometimes, and I've seen Storage Wars. These shows are successful because these people are good actors. I'm not necessarily questioning the authenticity of the experience, though I do think some things that happen seem a little too convenient to be true, but the shows are recreating an experience. It's pretty hard to capture every interesting moment in the everyday life of a pawn shop. One might think there are not many of these moments, yet people are watching this show. The characters are likable. However much you may watch and enjoy this show (and I'm including myself as a viewer), you are watching a production. I can't know that everything is authentic of course, but I do think that at least a touch of it is somewhat staged by the nature of the beast.
(Specifically, I find it hard to believe when the Pawn Star employees and owners let a customer know when something is worth more money than they are asking. Maybe I'm wrong, but most pawn shops I've ever been to would just keep quiet and buy it. Though perhaps a good reputation for honesty is what makes this particular pawn shop so successful perhaps. Repeat business is never bad.)
There is another type of reality show that's been around for longer than any other form is hardly ever attacked or criticized in the same way the others are: sports. Essentially, sporting events that are televised are reality shows. Are these games productions too? I think you have to conclude that they are, in a sense.
A sport that I watch is professional basketball, and the sport has certainly had its share of controversy in recent years. I get into watching basketball. I yell at the t.v. sometimes. I stand up for plays like I'm there. I believe that it is happening and the games have meaning. But it's true that popular players get preferential treatment in big games, referees have been caught gambling on games, and certain teams always catch the breaks (at least according to Mark Cuban, once upon a time). Who can say if the NBA is not as orchestrated an event as, say, the WWE? This is certainly not an original thought, as many have written books on this matter. Am I laughing at the people who watch "reality," when I should be wondering why I am so quick to swallow the pill, too?
Whatever the case, I think television viewers want to believe what they are watching, even if it isn't true. Wrestling fans seem to have a firm grasp on the reality of reality television. I've talked to fans of the previously mentioned WWE, and they will discuss with you the techniques that wrestlers use in the ring in a way that lets you know that they know that it's all a show. (Let me say, there is nothing fake about the dangers these athletes face. I wouldn't want to get in the ring with any of them either.) But a fan of wrestling is aware that this is a production and enjoys it anyway.
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
"Reading" my Mind (Blog)
List the tribes you belong to: cultural, personal, literary, you get the drift. Talk about the experience of being in your element with your tribes.
Well, I think I belong to a literary tribe. I have enough friends that are into studying English, or read, or both, and I really feel like these are my people. I like people that challenge me. I want to be around people that are smarter than me, and I think English students and readers are intelligent people. I'm not saying that people who don't read are not intelligent, because many of them are, but I feel a special connection to people that read books and talk about them.
When I meet a woman for example, I am instantly more attracted if I find out she reads. I don't know if it works that I'm turned off if she doesn't, though maybe it does. I feel like there is a connection there that I want, and I want to be able to talk about books, share books, recommend books, and generally share a love of reading.
With school lately, I feel like i have neglected my reading, and I have only finished a handful of books compared to how much I had been reading last year. I took some classes last year that had me reading a book every week or better, and even then I checked out some books from the library to read on my own, too.
I'm not saying I'm the fastest reader, and maybe I'm not. I know sometimes I will set a book down for a long time and not read anything from it for weeks and even months sometimes. I do prefer to have a few books going at a time, and I do like the feeling of finishing a book. Finishing a book gives me this (false?) sense of accomplishment. Maybe I remember high school when I wouldn't finish books if I didn't like them. I certainly had books that I loved and would read all the way through, and I think I probably read most of what was assigned, but I can remember not finishing certain books because I didn't know how to manage my time.
I'm a lot better at time management now, and life in general. I am by no means an expert reader. or an expert at life for that matter, but I have figured some things out. You can't take things too seriously, or believe that they have any more impact then they really do when things don't go your way. Like I always say, I do lead a charmed life and I am very privileged to have incredible people in my life and to have more come in every year. I do feel like a part of a tribe with these people. I'm still looking for my own voice in a way, but I am happy.
Part of The Scintilla Project.
Well, I think I belong to a literary tribe. I have enough friends that are into studying English, or read, or both, and I really feel like these are my people. I like people that challenge me. I want to be around people that are smarter than me, and I think English students and readers are intelligent people. I'm not saying that people who don't read are not intelligent, because many of them are, but I feel a special connection to people that read books and talk about them.
When I meet a woman for example, I am instantly more attracted if I find out she reads. I don't know if it works that I'm turned off if she doesn't, though maybe it does. I feel like there is a connection there that I want, and I want to be able to talk about books, share books, recommend books, and generally share a love of reading.
With school lately, I feel like i have neglected my reading, and I have only finished a handful of books compared to how much I had been reading last year. I took some classes last year that had me reading a book every week or better, and even then I checked out some books from the library to read on my own, too.
I'm not saying I'm the fastest reader, and maybe I'm not. I know sometimes I will set a book down for a long time and not read anything from it for weeks and even months sometimes. I do prefer to have a few books going at a time, and I do like the feeling of finishing a book. Finishing a book gives me this (false?) sense of accomplishment. Maybe I remember high school when I wouldn't finish books if I didn't like them. I certainly had books that I loved and would read all the way through, and I think I probably read most of what was assigned, but I can remember not finishing certain books because I didn't know how to manage my time.
I'm a lot better at time management now, and life in general. I am by no means an expert reader. or an expert at life for that matter, but I have figured some things out. You can't take things too seriously, or believe that they have any more impact then they really do when things don't go your way. Like I always say, I do lead a charmed life and I am very privileged to have incredible people in my life and to have more come in every year. I do feel like a part of a tribe with these people. I'm still looking for my own voice in a way, but I am happy.
Part of The Scintilla Project.
In the Middle of Believing (Blog)
Talk about an experience with faith, your own or someone else's
My parents tried to raise me as a Christian. Most of the parts of my name have Biblical origins. About the time I was allowed to decide, though, I stopped going to church. I think it works for some people, but maybe not for me. When I say "works," I mean that it enriches their lives. I have had positive experiences with church, and I have met some very good people who were church goers. I'm not saying that religion is no good for anyone. I think a religious person with great values can be a rewarding friend to have.
Lately I have gravitated towards atheists and agnostics, though. This is not to say that I fall concretely into one of these categories myself, because I don't, but I can appreciate the sensibilities of these people. To be clear, I believe in something, but I don't think it's any conventional idea of God, or at least the Christian version anyway.
I think there is a balance, and I think that karma, or retribution exists. I think there is something to law of attraction maybe, but some of the people that write about that quote the Bible, too. I would like to have faith in something, whether it be a person, or love in general, or my own abilities to get through life.
I sound like I'm describing the Force from Star Wars or something, but my ideas are that general at times. I believe in friendship and love, and I have faith that there are still good people in the world, even though I've met some that are not. I've written about being positive, and sometimes I am not always the most positive person. I do get angry, though I try not to. I'm human; I have emotions. Things upset me, people annoy me sometimes, I'm not always nice, and every once in a while I am selfish, jealous, envious, self-centered, and short-sighted. I try to make these the exception and not the rule, though. I know my own tendencies. I know myself. I try to compensate for tendencies towards imperfections that I'm aware of.
I do try to improve myself. I work on me all the time in a way. I think that's what religion is for sometimes, to work on being a better person. Of course, it's not that way for everyone, and some religions concentrate on judging others too much for my tastes. I suppose I'm straddling the fence of religious conversion, and maybe I'm pissing off both sides of the believer/agnostic dichotomy. Maybe my parents would be sad to know I don't worship their God necessarily, and my atheists friends laugh that I believe there is a mystical book in the afterlife that lists every good and bad deed I've ever done and details everything about my life (a book which I totally hope exists).
This post is for The Scintilla Project.
My parents tried to raise me as a Christian. Most of the parts of my name have Biblical origins. About the time I was allowed to decide, though, I stopped going to church. I think it works for some people, but maybe not for me. When I say "works," I mean that it enriches their lives. I have had positive experiences with church, and I have met some very good people who were church goers. I'm not saying that religion is no good for anyone. I think a religious person with great values can be a rewarding friend to have.
Lately I have gravitated towards atheists and agnostics, though. This is not to say that I fall concretely into one of these categories myself, because I don't, but I can appreciate the sensibilities of these people. To be clear, I believe in something, but I don't think it's any conventional idea of God, or at least the Christian version anyway.
I think there is a balance, and I think that karma, or retribution exists. I think there is something to law of attraction maybe, but some of the people that write about that quote the Bible, too. I would like to have faith in something, whether it be a person, or love in general, or my own abilities to get through life.
I sound like I'm describing the Force from Star Wars or something, but my ideas are that general at times. I believe in friendship and love, and I have faith that there are still good people in the world, even though I've met some that are not. I've written about being positive, and sometimes I am not always the most positive person. I do get angry, though I try not to. I'm human; I have emotions. Things upset me, people annoy me sometimes, I'm not always nice, and every once in a while I am selfish, jealous, envious, self-centered, and short-sighted. I try to make these the exception and not the rule, though. I know my own tendencies. I know myself. I try to compensate for tendencies towards imperfections that I'm aware of.
I do try to improve myself. I work on me all the time in a way. I think that's what religion is for sometimes, to work on being a better person. Of course, it's not that way for everyone, and some religions concentrate on judging others too much for my tastes. I suppose I'm straddling the fence of religious conversion, and maybe I'm pissing off both sides of the believer/agnostic dichotomy. Maybe my parents would be sad to know I don't worship their God necessarily, and my atheists friends laugh that I believe there is a mystical book in the afterlife that lists every good and bad deed I've ever done and details everything about my life (a book which I totally hope exists).
This post is for The Scintilla Project.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
(Blog) Necessary Natural Deficits and Renewed Personality Defects
Show a part of your nature that you feel you've lost. Can you get it back? Would it be worth it?
A part of my nature that I've lost is my morose, depressed, dare I say gothic, side to my personality. I think it's a good thing to have lost that. Maybe I haven't totally lost it, because my poetry can be a little angst-ridden still. I tend to write about things that upset me at one time, or I write for therapy maybe. It's in writing that I've lost the sense that everything is so life changing.
To be honest, I am probably much more cynical than I try to portray myself as being. I like to be a positive person, or maybe appear as a positive person? I don't know if that's deceptive, but maybe I feel that if I fake it long enough I will be like that. I'm not trying to say that I don't see the best in things, because I think I tend towards that. I'm just saying that sometimes, I feel like complaining more than I do. It's exhausting being positive sometimes, and there are days I just want to admit that life sucks, 'cause it can sometimes.
I'm certainly lucky to have lead a charmed life, but there are days when I just want to move to Mars (or another side of the planet at least). I want to say goodbye to everyone I know, sell everything I own, and start a new life free from the encumbrances of material and emotional baggage that I've created in a lifetime of accumulating. I want to stop collecting and polishing my possessions; I want to not do my homework; I want to slack off a little, disconnect, unplug; eliminate distractions; burn bridges; cut ties; basically, I want to start over.
Sometimes I feel like that anyway. What if I'm doing it wrong? I certainly haven't been doing it all right. There are things I get right, but I can't say that I haven't been on the mark a bit. I've been on the mark some. I like being happy, though; it works for me. It looks good on me, dare I say. So really, at the end of the day, that's what I want: to be happy. There is still a small part of me that likes to just stew in the emotion of melancholy. It feels comfortable. But in another larger sense, that's not me anymore. It's a skin I slip into, but not one that I wear all the time. It's worth it for art's sake, but as far as life goes, I'd rather be blissfully peaceful.
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
A part of my nature that I've lost is my morose, depressed, dare I say gothic, side to my personality. I think it's a good thing to have lost that. Maybe I haven't totally lost it, because my poetry can be a little angst-ridden still. I tend to write about things that upset me at one time, or I write for therapy maybe. It's in writing that I've lost the sense that everything is so life changing.
To be honest, I am probably much more cynical than I try to portray myself as being. I like to be a positive person, or maybe appear as a positive person? I don't know if that's deceptive, but maybe I feel that if I fake it long enough I will be like that. I'm not trying to say that I don't see the best in things, because I think I tend towards that. I'm just saying that sometimes, I feel like complaining more than I do. It's exhausting being positive sometimes, and there are days I just want to admit that life sucks, 'cause it can sometimes.
I'm certainly lucky to have lead a charmed life, but there are days when I just want to move to Mars (or another side of the planet at least). I want to say goodbye to everyone I know, sell everything I own, and start a new life free from the encumbrances of material and emotional baggage that I've created in a lifetime of accumulating. I want to stop collecting and polishing my possessions; I want to not do my homework; I want to slack off a little, disconnect, unplug; eliminate distractions; burn bridges; cut ties; basically, I want to start over.
Sometimes I feel like that anyway. What if I'm doing it wrong? I certainly haven't been doing it all right. There are things I get right, but I can't say that I haven't been on the mark a bit. I've been on the mark some. I like being happy, though; it works for me. It looks good on me, dare I say. So really, at the end of the day, that's what I want: to be happy. There is still a small part of me that likes to just stew in the emotion of melancholy. It feels comfortable. But in another larger sense, that's not me anymore. It's a skin I slip into, but not one that I wear all the time. It's worth it for art's sake, but as far as life goes, I'd rather be blissfully peaceful.
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Out of Room (Blog)
Talk about your childhood bedroom.
My childhood bedroom was a place where I went to be alone. I had friends, but as a young child, I remember preferring to be alone, or at least that's what I told myself. I can remember a lot of time, whole summers in fact, of being depressed and just spending time in my room. When I write about my childhood, I sometimes give the idea that is was a miserable one, and in a way it was. I had all of the modern conveniences, though, and my parents were relatively good parents, even great parents. I don't mean to say the were bad in any way; I just think that maybe they were not ready.
My room was a place that I could be me. It was a place I could sing and dance and read, and no one would judge me. I eventually realized that these things could be true outside of my room, too, but for a long time, my only true friends that I opened up to, for real, were my journals, poems, and books.
I remember meeting one young lady who called me out on my reclusive tendencies. She asked me why I was at home on a Friday night and not out doing something. I know someone had probably said this to me before, but I remember this time specifically, because I can remember defending my position. "But I like being by myself. I like reading and organizing my comic book collection." This is definitely one of those "if I could go back in time and knock myself upside the head I would" moments . "If a girl wants to hang out with you, young Jeremy, drop the comic book and go out."
I've gone through times in my life that I wanted to drop everything nerdy about me and start over, because I regretted how much of my life I had wasted on it. In a way, my life started late, and it wasn't until someone pointed it out to me like she did that I realized I wasn't really living. I'm not saying that nerdy stuff doesn't have its place, and I've embraced that side of me, but I have realized that these things shouldn't consume your life.
There is a psychological process that "late bloomers" go through, and it definitely happened to me. I knew I had to move forward, but I was resentful that I had wasted so much time. Life is a continual process and I still have things I'm working on to this day. But I did get out, I did start talking to people, I did start making friends, and I did make things better. There are still times when I feel like the most socially awkward person in the entire universe. But I realize now that it's okay to feel awkward as long as I'm trying.
The end of the story with the girl is that I did hang out with her a little bit. It wasn't easy for me, though, and I resisted the process still tooth and claw. I felt so safe being the way I was that I didn't want to let it go. Even though I had my moments with her (I kissed a girl and I definitely liked it), it also definitely did not work out. But it was the start of being a real person for me, a social person, and not someone who just spent his entire life alone in a room.
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
My childhood bedroom was a place where I went to be alone. I had friends, but as a young child, I remember preferring to be alone, or at least that's what I told myself. I can remember a lot of time, whole summers in fact, of being depressed and just spending time in my room. When I write about my childhood, I sometimes give the idea that is was a miserable one, and in a way it was. I had all of the modern conveniences, though, and my parents were relatively good parents, even great parents. I don't mean to say the were bad in any way; I just think that maybe they were not ready.
My room was a place that I could be me. It was a place I could sing and dance and read, and no one would judge me. I eventually realized that these things could be true outside of my room, too, but for a long time, my only true friends that I opened up to, for real, were my journals, poems, and books.
I remember meeting one young lady who called me out on my reclusive tendencies. She asked me why I was at home on a Friday night and not out doing something. I know someone had probably said this to me before, but I remember this time specifically, because I can remember defending my position. "But I like being by myself. I like reading and organizing my comic book collection." This is definitely one of those "if I could go back in time and knock myself upside the head I would" moments . "If a girl wants to hang out with you, young Jeremy, drop the comic book and go out."
I've gone through times in my life that I wanted to drop everything nerdy about me and start over, because I regretted how much of my life I had wasted on it. In a way, my life started late, and it wasn't until someone pointed it out to me like she did that I realized I wasn't really living. I'm not saying that nerdy stuff doesn't have its place, and I've embraced that side of me, but I have realized that these things shouldn't consume your life.
There is a psychological process that "late bloomers" go through, and it definitely happened to me. I knew I had to move forward, but I was resentful that I had wasted so much time. Life is a continual process and I still have things I'm working on to this day. But I did get out, I did start talking to people, I did start making friends, and I did make things better. There are still times when I feel like the most socially awkward person in the entire universe. But I realize now that it's okay to feel awkward as long as I'm trying.
The end of the story with the girl is that I did hang out with her a little bit. It wasn't easy for me, though, and I resisted the process still tooth and claw. I felt so safe being the way I was that I didn't want to let it go. Even though I had my moments with her (I kissed a girl and I definitely liked it), it also definitely did not work out. But it was the start of being a real person for me, a social person, and not someone who just spent his entire life alone in a room.
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Lyrical Triggers (Blog)
Talk about a memory triggered by a particular song.
I have too many of these to list it feels like. Alicia Keys "No One" comes to mind. I remember hearing that song when I was going through a hard time with a woman I liked several years back. I had done something really stupid that I've written poetry about because it affected me. I was just really stupid. I had been sad about it, but there wasn't much more I could do. Around this time, I was at work and that song comes on and I started to get sad. Like really sad. But then I started talking to myself and I said there wasn't anything else I could do. There wasn't much more to say or much more to do. I made a deal with myself that I would be completely sad as long as the song was on and then I would move on. I would feel being sad as long as the length of the song. And I was sad. And then I stopped when it was over.
I'm not sure it worked, but that was the start of feeling better. It still took me a long time to feel good again, like as happy as I had been before. In some ways, I am just now getting happy again, and that feels stupid, but it's true. I just messed up really bad and it hurt.
I should also mention my friend Terri for this. She is a very dear friend of mine and I've seen her life go through a lot of changes and she is happily married with a kid now. There are many songs I think of her when I hear them, but I will pick Jordan Sparks "Battlefield." I'm not sure why this song resonated with us (besides the fact that it's just a good song), but I remember discovering that we both liked it. Now every time I hear it I think of her. She lives in another state now, but every time I hear this song, I feel like I saw five minutes ago.
I've listened to these songs as I am writing this, and now I'm crying a little bit, for different reasons for each song. Actually, I didn't start crying for Alicia Keys, but "Battlefield" got me. I think that no matter how stupid you are or how much you feel alone in the world, you can always go back to the fact that you have good friends. Friends for me are my living proof. I don't mind saying that I'm a good friend and I think that will be my eternal legacy. I can't say I always am, but I always try to be and I think I succeed more often than I don't.
A small list of songs that trigger memories for me:
"Bohemia Rhapsody" by Queen; my mom
"Little Sister" by Elvis; karaoke friends and my dad
"She Talks to Angels" Black Crowes; junior high
"You Give Love A Bad Name" Bon Jovi; karaoke and junior high again
"My Prerogative" Bobby Brown; karaoke and junior high also
"Jeremy" Pearl Jam; karaoke and high school
"If You Wanna Be My Lover" Spice Girls; an ex
"Oh, Sherrie" Steve Perry; one of the few guys friends I've had for a while haha
"More: Remix" Usher; a lifetime love of NBA basketball
"Sweet Transvestite" Rocky Horror Picture Show; nearly all of the above
"Sweet Caroline" Neil Diamond; Terri again and too many friends to name
A few more:
"Hot in Herre" Nelly
"Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
"Stronger" Kayne West
"Poker Face" Lady Gaga
"L.O.V.E." Ashlee Simpson
Did I say small list? I digress.
This post is for The Scintilla Project.
I have too many of these to list it feels like. Alicia Keys "No One" comes to mind. I remember hearing that song when I was going through a hard time with a woman I liked several years back. I had done something really stupid that I've written poetry about because it affected me. I was just really stupid. I had been sad about it, but there wasn't much more I could do. Around this time, I was at work and that song comes on and I started to get sad. Like really sad. But then I started talking to myself and I said there wasn't anything else I could do. There wasn't much more to say or much more to do. I made a deal with myself that I would be completely sad as long as the song was on and then I would move on. I would feel being sad as long as the length of the song. And I was sad. And then I stopped when it was over.
I'm not sure it worked, but that was the start of feeling better. It still took me a long time to feel good again, like as happy as I had been before. In some ways, I am just now getting happy again, and that feels stupid, but it's true. I just messed up really bad and it hurt.
I should also mention my friend Terri for this. She is a very dear friend of mine and I've seen her life go through a lot of changes and she is happily married with a kid now. There are many songs I think of her when I hear them, but I will pick Jordan Sparks "Battlefield." I'm not sure why this song resonated with us (besides the fact that it's just a good song), but I remember discovering that we both liked it. Now every time I hear it I think of her. She lives in another state now, but every time I hear this song, I feel like I saw five minutes ago.
I've listened to these songs as I am writing this, and now I'm crying a little bit, for different reasons for each song. Actually, I didn't start crying for Alicia Keys, but "Battlefield" got me. I think that no matter how stupid you are or how much you feel alone in the world, you can always go back to the fact that you have good friends. Friends for me are my living proof. I don't mind saying that I'm a good friend and I think that will be my eternal legacy. I can't say I always am, but I always try to be and I think I succeed more often than I don't.
A small list of songs that trigger memories for me:
"Bohemia Rhapsody" by Queen; my mom
"Little Sister" by Elvis; karaoke friends and my dad
"She Talks to Angels" Black Crowes; junior high
"You Give Love A Bad Name" Bon Jovi; karaoke and junior high again
"My Prerogative" Bobby Brown; karaoke and junior high also
"Jeremy" Pearl Jam; karaoke and high school
"If You Wanna Be My Lover" Spice Girls; an ex
"Oh, Sherrie" Steve Perry; one of the few guys friends I've had for a while haha
"More: Remix" Usher; a lifetime love of NBA basketball
"Sweet Transvestite" Rocky Horror Picture Show; nearly all of the above
"Sweet Caroline" Neil Diamond; Terri again and too many friends to name
A few more:
"Hot in Herre" Nelly
"Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
"Stronger" Kayne West
"Poker Face" Lady Gaga
"L.O.V.E." Ashlee Simpson
Did I say small list? I digress.
This post is for The Scintilla Project.
Friday, March 16, 2012
(Fiction) The Third Planet of the Gothic Constellation of Thanatos Part 3
This is part 3 of some fiction I'm writing. I had a title, but I'm not sure I want to use it anymore. This story is formatted a little differently since I've copied it from my word processor and not typed it in directly.
I
look around for knobs or levers to start the shower, but the only handle I see
is the door handle. I turn it to close the door and hear a click. Water and
soap suddenly spray me from above and below; the soap is washed off almost as
quickly as it’s sprayed on. After this quick process, the water and soap stops
and I’m about to get out and look for a towel when I hear a snapping sound like
a puff of smoke. I can’t see for the powder, but once it settles, I’m almost
completely dry.
I
go to get my robe back, but it’s not there. I look outside and there are some
clothes laid out for me, including a dress with long sleeves. I look around to
make sure the room is empty and get dressed quickly. As I sit down at the table
again, I see a book open. I’m looking through it, when the old man comes in
again. I like to read, but I can barely concentrate with all the stress I’m
going through at the moment, so I look up from the book.
“That
is one of your favorite books, if you remember.” He’s trying to hide his
disappointment, but I can tell he’s sad that it looks like I barely recognize the
book. “I think if you spend some time at it, you will find that you will enjoy
the adventures of that particular heroine.” I look through the book again and
notice some illustrations. In one of the drawings, an athletic woman with a
toned body is holding off a monster of some sort with a blade of steel. “Her
name is Vanessa. . . just like yours.” I’m so tired and confused that I accept
this information as trivial.
“Okay,”
I mutter.
“Hah
ha! She speaks!” He still seems afraid, if slightly relieved. I am afraid now
too when I hear my own voice. The voice is a soft whisper of a girl’s voice, a
young woman’s voice, a young woman barely past puberty. I look at the book
again, but I can still barely concentrate. I close it almost angrily, because I
don’t know how to handle all of these developments.
My
father notices my demeanor. “There will be time enough to catch up on the
adventures of Miss Vanessa when you have recovered more.” He looks like he’s
concentrating for a second, and then he puts his hand on his chin and frowns.
“Well, let’s retreat to our modest exam room, such as it is, and recheck some
of your vitals once more. I don’t want to overexert your fist day back.”
We
go back to the room I woke up in, and he checks my temperature with a
thermometer and takes my pulse. “You seem to be recovering very well, dear. How
do you feel?”
“I’m
fine,” I manage to say. “A little disoriented maybe,” I admit. My new voice
would take some getting used to.
“Yes,
well that is another reason I brought you back here. He walks over to a cabinet
by the bed and pulls a switch. The cabinet flips over and a small desk and
monitor appear. “I know your memory is somewhat jumbled at this point, so I
thought a few lesson might ease you back into the scheme of things.” He opens a
compartment above the desk and takes out a helmet with goggles on it. “You can
go slowly at first until you start remembering things. You can return to
earlier lessons if you feel a lesson is too advanced for you. Or if you feel a
lesson is something you have mastered already, you can skip it.” I couldn’t see
myself skipping too many lessons.
“Don’t
be afraid,” he tells me. “It’s really very user friendly. A girl as sharp as
you will recover in no time.” He pulls up a chair and then helps me put on the
helmet and goggles. When the goggles are on, I see a screen of information. As
I move my eyes, the screen scrolls and I can focus on a piece of data to see it
closer or to get more details. It’s just a computer without a mouse, really.
The
lesson it starts with is a little odd. The questions are strange to me and I
have no idea how to answer them. I don’t remember any of the history lessons,
and the astrology seems foreign to me. The only thing I can make any sense of
is the math. I start going back to earlier lessons, but it takes me a while to
make any sense of anything. At least I’m feeling a little better about reading.
I’m reading what seems like a children’s story about a little boy and his lost
dog, when the screen goes blank.
“Well,
it looks like you’re moving along quite nicely. Yes, I’m quite satisfied by
your progress.” I can tell he’s lying. I know he’s disappointed, but there’s no
point in trying to move faster than I can through the lessons. I was still
learning how to use the machine, really. “Well, it’s time for bed now. Let me
show you to your room.”
The
room is down a hallway from the kitchen. I barely have time to notice anything
about the room because I’m so tired. I fall asleep as soon as I lie down on the
bed.
Growing into Mellowness (blog)
When did you realize you were a grown up?
I think I realized this when I lived on my own for the first time. I joke with my father about this, but I remember running out of shampoo, as an example, and realizing that I would be the one to go buy it. This seems like a small thing, but taking care of myself made me realize that I was grown up now.
Also, I would say learning to mellow out about things in general was something I needed to do to grow up. Sometimes, I will lapse back to this, but I used to take things so seriously and everything seemed like it was the end of the world. I'm not saying I don't get upset now, but it's much easier to recover from crises now. It's just not worth it to get too worked up over things.
This may seem slightly off topic, but I'll mention it, because it has some relevance. I have read the first Twilight book (stay with me), and something about it bothered me, specifically the character of Bella. She didn't have the strength of character that I liked in my fictional heroes. The book was enjoyable enough, but I was still bothered by it. She lost all sense of herself and drifted through life after Edward left her and it bothered me. Recently it struck me why that was: she reminded me of myself at that age.
It's not my intention to write a defense of Twilight, but this was a little bit of an eye opener for me to realize that something in it resonated for me. I had times when I felt so depressed that I was suicidal. I was the teenager that thought my world was crashing down. Clearly, things would never get better. Looking back now, of course it doesn't seem that serious of a problem, but at the time it was. My feelings were for a variety of reasons, but a girl that I liked was involved. I still think that maybe it's not a good idea for teens to read about a couple who pledge to kill themselves if the other dies, but maybe I was being hard on young Bella. Maybe, just maybe, Bella's experience has verisimilitude because of its resemblance to the experience of a real teenager, specifically my own.
My life did get better, of course, and I've had such great experiences since then. If I had followed through on my thoughts, I would never have met all the wonderful people I have or had all of the experiences I've had. Maybe growing up means managing your problems, but that process is in continual refinement, so maybe we are continually growing up.
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
I think I realized this when I lived on my own for the first time. I joke with my father about this, but I remember running out of shampoo, as an example, and realizing that I would be the one to go buy it. This seems like a small thing, but taking care of myself made me realize that I was grown up now.
Also, I would say learning to mellow out about things in general was something I needed to do to grow up. Sometimes, I will lapse back to this, but I used to take things so seriously and everything seemed like it was the end of the world. I'm not saying I don't get upset now, but it's much easier to recover from crises now. It's just not worth it to get too worked up over things.
This may seem slightly off topic, but I'll mention it, because it has some relevance. I have read the first Twilight book (stay with me), and something about it bothered me, specifically the character of Bella. She didn't have the strength of character that I liked in my fictional heroes. The book was enjoyable enough, but I was still bothered by it. She lost all sense of herself and drifted through life after Edward left her and it bothered me. Recently it struck me why that was: she reminded me of myself at that age.
It's not my intention to write a defense of Twilight, but this was a little bit of an eye opener for me to realize that something in it resonated for me. I had times when I felt so depressed that I was suicidal. I was the teenager that thought my world was crashing down. Clearly, things would never get better. Looking back now, of course it doesn't seem that serious of a problem, but at the time it was. My feelings were for a variety of reasons, but a girl that I liked was involved. I still think that maybe it's not a good idea for teens to read about a couple who pledge to kill themselves if the other dies, but maybe I was being hard on young Bella. Maybe, just maybe, Bella's experience has verisimilitude because of its resemblance to the experience of a real teenager, specifically my own.
My life did get better, of course, and I've had such great experiences since then. If I had followed through on my thoughts, I would never have met all the wonderful people I have or had all of the experiences I've had. Maybe growing up means managing your problems, but that process is in continual refinement, so maybe we are continually growing up.
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
Scintillating beginning (blog)
Who are you?
This is not an easy question for me to answer. I'm a student right now, and that role makes more sense to me than anything else ever has in my life. I like to think I'm intelligent, but honestly school is one of the few things I've ever managed to figure out. The rest of my life could stand to be improved.
I am usually a very kind person, oftentimes to my own detriment. I'm not saying it's bad to be nice, but in romantic situations I usually fall deep into that category of the nice guy that you want to tell everything to but not actually ever date. Maybe I'm being hard on myself, but it seems like I'm always someone's second choice or just their friend.
Don't get me wrong, I like having friends. I would just like to have someone who at least thinks I'm pretty cool in a "hey you're hot" way again. It's happened before, and I know that I'm not like this bad-looking guy that I used to think I was (though I still have moments of doubt), but sometimes I get tired of seeing everyone else in these happy relationships.
This is starting to sound like I'm not happy, and I don't want to give that impression. I am happy, I just want a little more out of my life. I don't actively seek out romance usually, but I do meet women that I'm interested in. Also, I feel like I probably have these ridiculously high standards which I should mention maybe.
I've joked about my high standards before, saying "I want someone gorgeous, kind, brilliant, and a little bit crazy." I am not a Yankee, a Laker, a millionaire, Hollywood actor, or someone else who can pick and choose who they want to date, but I do have standards. It's not exactly the way I joke about, though; it's more like I am particular about who I get serious about, if that makes any sense. I never wanted to get married just because I was lonely, though I am sometimes. I felt like I had to figure me out before I could get serious with someone. I would prefer someone who reads books, laughs easily, laughs at my jokes, challenges my mind, and thinks I am a little cooler than I think I am. (Now this is a personal ad.)
If it's not obvious from this post already, I adore women. I learned from my mother that women can be very special people. I talked earlier about having friends, and I much prefer having women as friends to men. I'm not saying I can't be friends with men, but women are so much easier to talk to about life in general than men for me. I love having women as friends, so maybe I tend to jump there quickly before I consider them as something more than a friend.
That's another thing I want to address before I close. I don't like the phrase just friends. Obviously, sometimes that does mean "I don't like you like that." For me, though, if you are my friend, truly my friend, there is something about you that I like, or even love. I've been writing about not finding romance, but maybe my romances are my friends. I take something from every friend I've ever had, whether it's a phrase, a joke, a style, a story you told me, a book you recommended, a movie we saw together, that trip we went on, or a new way of seeing the world that I was too stupid to see. (That's another thing I like about women: they're really good at letting you know how stupid you are.)
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
This is not an easy question for me to answer. I'm a student right now, and that role makes more sense to me than anything else ever has in my life. I like to think I'm intelligent, but honestly school is one of the few things I've ever managed to figure out. The rest of my life could stand to be improved.
I am usually a very kind person, oftentimes to my own detriment. I'm not saying it's bad to be nice, but in romantic situations I usually fall deep into that category of the nice guy that you want to tell everything to but not actually ever date. Maybe I'm being hard on myself, but it seems like I'm always someone's second choice or just their friend.
Don't get me wrong, I like having friends. I would just like to have someone who at least thinks I'm pretty cool in a "hey you're hot" way again. It's happened before, and I know that I'm not like this bad-looking guy that I used to think I was (though I still have moments of doubt), but sometimes I get tired of seeing everyone else in these happy relationships.
This is starting to sound like I'm not happy, and I don't want to give that impression. I am happy, I just want a little more out of my life. I don't actively seek out romance usually, but I do meet women that I'm interested in. Also, I feel like I probably have these ridiculously high standards which I should mention maybe.
I've joked about my high standards before, saying "I want someone gorgeous, kind, brilliant, and a little bit crazy." I am not a Yankee, a Laker, a millionaire, Hollywood actor, or someone else who can pick and choose who they want to date, but I do have standards. It's not exactly the way I joke about, though; it's more like I am particular about who I get serious about, if that makes any sense. I never wanted to get married just because I was lonely, though I am sometimes. I felt like I had to figure me out before I could get serious with someone. I would prefer someone who reads books, laughs easily, laughs at my jokes, challenges my mind, and thinks I am a little cooler than I think I am. (Now this is a personal ad.)
If it's not obvious from this post already, I adore women. I learned from my mother that women can be very special people. I talked earlier about having friends, and I much prefer having women as friends to men. I'm not saying I can't be friends with men, but women are so much easier to talk to about life in general than men for me. I love having women as friends, so maybe I tend to jump there quickly before I consider them as something more than a friend.
That's another thing I want to address before I close. I don't like the phrase just friends. Obviously, sometimes that does mean "I don't like you like that." For me, though, if you are my friend, truly my friend, there is something about you that I like, or even love. I've been writing about not finding romance, but maybe my romances are my friends. I take something from every friend I've ever had, whether it's a phrase, a joke, a style, a story you told me, a book you recommended, a movie we saw together, that trip we went on, or a new way of seeing the world that I was too stupid to see. (That's another thing I like about women: they're really good at letting you know how stupid you are.)
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)