(Fiction) Third Planet in the Gothic Constellation of Thanatos Part 4

When I fall asleep, I have a dream about her. I have a dream about the girl I am. The dream about the girl whose life I have taken. I see something of her life before I came along. Vanessa gets sick and I see her father as a slightly younger man. She falls into a coma. The father argues with some other doctors, and they seem to be trying to tell him that she will never wake up. Even if she does, she won’t be the same, they say. The father is furious and refuses to accept this. He never leaves her side except to eat, and sometimes he forgets to do that. He keeps a quiet vigil over the girl who would never return.

The doctors insisted the little girl was all but dead. “Let her go,” they said. “She is gone from this world.” The father began to believe that these doctors could not help his daughter, or that they didn’t even want to. He decided to take his girl under his own care. He was experienced at caregiving. He had equipment of his own or a way to acquire what he didn’t have. What he didn’t own, he stole, and what he couldn’t steal, he made. But his money ran out before his love did, and soon he had to sell almost everything but his house to keep her alive. He sold his patents, his inventions, his formulas, and his bonds, and moved into an old lab in the country, all to keep her alive.

Throughout the sickness, the daughter never left his side, just as he never left hers. I see her spirit hovering, floating above him, over him, near him, watching him as he watched her, all through this unique vision of a fever dream telling me about her life.

“He never gave up hope,” a voice says to me. “Even when everyone else told him I was gone, he never gave up. Even when he might have known it himself, he still didn’t give up.” Somehow, Vanessa was speaking to me. I hear the voice of a young girl, younger than I am now. “I couldn’t leave him until I knew someone else would be there,” she continues, “But now there is you. You must be there for him to be what I cannot. Daddy needs me, but I can’t be there.” Her voice was sad, but determined, seeming more mature than this child could possibly be. “Be kind to him, as he will be kind to you.”

I wake up, trying to remember as much as I can.

Musical Breaking (Poem)

I hear that song and I think of you again
Do you think of me when you hear it, too?
It seems unlikely, but hope springs eternal for me.

And when you hear that song, do you think of when you sang it for me?
Or let me hear it, whispering it in my ear
As if it was you who wrote it, and you might as well have.

Do you hear the song and get happy and sad all at once?
Do you remember what it felt like to laugh together?
But someone else makes you laugh now.

Do you remember when I sang for you?
Do you remember how much I like to sing?
Do I even cross your mind at all anymore?

I can't lie awake wondering about the answers.
I shouldn't be concerned that I may never know.
There is music still to be made and heard for me.

Maybe her song when I meet her will be as sweet.
Maybe all of your songs will start to make me ache a little less.
Though maybe the music helps me realize that I even loved at all.

Poetry with Elvis (Poem)

And finally, our prompt for the day comes to us by way of The Line Break’s Tom Holmes. Write a poem inspired by the song that was #1 on the day that you were born.


Note: I picked the UK chart #1 song, 'cause it's an Elvis song, specifically Way Down.


Baby, you are getting so close,
The lights are all going out;
I can hear you breathing
And my resistance is in doubt.
I can feel it now, way down,
I can feel it now, it's a tidal wave,
I can feel it now and the fire blazes.


My head is still reeling
From your witch's spell
Your magic touch
Like a spinning carousel
Your love is a prescription a doctor wouldn't recommend.


I can feel it now, where the music plays.
I can feel it now, in so many ways.
The tsunami comes and the fire burns again
I can feel it now, it's becoming a trend.


Hold me again
As tight as you dare;
I need you right now
So let's go there together.


The original lyrics for comparison:


Babe, you're getting closer
The lights are goin' dim
The sound of your breathin'
Has made the mood I'm in
All of my resistance
Is lying on the floor
Taking me to places
I've never been before

Ooh, and I can feel it,
Feel it, feel it, feel it

Way down where the music plays
Way down like a tidal wave
Way down where the fires blaze
Way down, down, way, way on down

Ooh, my head is spinnin'
You got me in your spell,
A hundred magic fingers
On a whirling carousel
The medicine within me
No doctor could prescribe
Your love is doing something
That I just can't describe

Ooh, and I can feel it,
Feel it, feel it, feel it

Way down where the music plays
Way down like a tidal wave
Way down where the fires blaze
Way down, down, way, way on down

Hold me again,
Tight as you can
I need you so,
Baby, let's go

Way down where it feels so good
Way down where I hoped it would
Way down where I never could
Way down, down, way, way on down

Triolet (Poem)

And here’s another prompt for you (I figure I’ll actually end up with 31 prompts, since I posted one yesterday. Oh well. There are worse things than extra prompts! I think I may have done this one last year, anyway!) Have you ever read a triolet? These are nice, short little poems with very predictable rhyme schemes and repeated lines. They’re easy to write, but not easy to write well — all those repetitions can sound rather clanging or maudlin, if you’re not careful. But this also makes the triolet a good choice for satirical poems. If you’re in an April Fools’ Day mood, you might want to take that tack.

Anyway, a triolet has eight lines. The first, fourth, and seventh lines are identical. The second and eighth lines are also identical. The rhyme scheme is ABaAabAB.

I bet you think this poem is about you, don't you?

You are in my dreams every once in a while, though.

The hourglass has emptied and our love is through.

I bet you think this poem is about you, don't you?

I do still think of you, though years have passed since my love was new.

I've had loves since you, though the moving on was slow.

I bet you think this poem is about you, don't you?

You are in my dreams every once in a while, though.

(Poem) Explanation of Doubting in a First World Setting

Way back in the 1600s, when you couldn’t walk ten feet in London without hitting a poet with some serious chops, “carpe diem” poems were a popular item. The one that first springs to my mind is Andrew Marvell’s To His Coy Mistress, in which the poet entreats his lady-love not to be a tease, because we’ll all be dead soon enough, and if she dies without smooching Andrew Marvell, well, that would just be terrible. I’m not sure if it succeeded as a seduction technique, but wit and joy pervades Marvell’s poem, despite its grim implications.

So in honor of the first day of NaPoWriMo, and Marvell’s observation that “though we cannot make our sun/Stand still, yet we will make him run,” I challenge you to seize the day with a “carpe diem” poem of your very own. This could be in the sassy, seductive vein, a la Marvell, or if you aren’t feeling sassy, there’s always the option of a spooky, contemplative poem. For a good example, check out Archibald MacLeish’sYou, Andrew Marvell, which owes as much to Shelley’s Ozymandias as it does to Marvell’s poem.

Why do you ever feel you have to satisfy me?

What good am I if I can't make you laugh (or smile at least)?

I should be the one trying for you it seems.

Making a fool of myself, is what I really mean.

Telling a stupid joke,  I am impressed by your grace

To not be done with me and say it's all a waste.

Fun is what we'll have, if I can but learn to relax.

I'm writing this poem for you, but to you I'm just a hack.

How droll to think I have to rhyme.

I should just stop now, but this might not be the line.

My doubts, my fears they multiply

They're always with me, I don't know why.

Abandon them on the side of the road I should

These doubts, these fears do me no good.

It seems I could be stuck with them, I'd say

So you might just have to overlook them, at least for today.

Someday my second guesses may come first

Someday my first thought won't be the worst.

But until that golden day of beautiful truth arrives,

(This day may never happen you realize)

It seems I will continue to wear the disguise

To act in control, to fake indifference

To be a joker (I think I can still do this)

To fake it long enough so it starts to feel real

To abandon all doubt and learn how to heal.

If you think that I am smart, hip, or cool

It's merely a facade of my inner duel

Between fear and love that I need to win.

I lose my doubt and life begins.

Simulated Green Glory (Blog)

I've had some good times with my Playstation 2, but it's probably about time to retire the one I have now. I've gone through most of 4 seasons on the basketball simulation of 2k10, with the Celtics winning all four times. I was controlling the Celtics, so maybe the game was too easy, but I think it could have happened the way it went down in the simulation.

Here's the justification broken down. 2009-2010: The first year had the match-up that was in the Finals anyway: Celtics/Lakers, with me beating the Lakers in 6 games. Lakers beat them in 7 in real life, so that one seems plausible. I had home court, too. I made a few moves, but the core team was intact.

2010-2011: Repeat of the last Finals, with Celtics beating the Lakers, this time in 7. Also had home court this time, so game 7 was in Boston. Again, this doesn't seem that improbable, especially considering that the big free agent period of this summer didn't go down in this simulation like it did in real life. Lebron stayed in Cleveland, Bosh stayed in Toronto (that seems unlikely, but let's go with it), and Wade left Miami and went to...Sacramento. Yeah, I don't think that could have ever happened either, but he did get a lot of money. Into his third season there, he hasn't made the playoffs. My team this year had a Troy Murphy (who I acquired in this season before they even considered it in real life) who was playing at center and performing like he did in his Indiana days. I also had Matt Bonner coming off the bench, so along with Garnett, I had a really good shooting big man team.

2011-2012: This Finals had the first sweep, with the Celtics beating the Thunder in 4 games. Again, the opponent seems likely, considering how good the Thunder are now, but not the result, right? Consider this: Kevin Durant was hurt a few rounds previous (torn acl) and they still got to the Finals. They couldn't beat me, but Russell Westbrook was phenomenal in the series.

2012-2013: Finals was Celtics over Portland in 6 games. This scenario for Portland was largely dependent on Brandon Roy not retiring and becoming a dominant player. Also, Aldridge was really good for them too, but Roy got hurt in game 5, which was a big game in the series. Pierce had been hurt until game 5 (playing games 1-4, but no where near healthy), and he played really well in game 5. Portland was up on me 2-1, but I didn't lose after the third game. Also, I had Tim Duncan for a center this year. He was a free agent and came to Boston for the veteran minimum essentially. Duncan, Garnett, Pierce, Ray Allen, and Rondo was the line-up.

Actually, by the Finals this year, Shannon Brown that I had traded someone for, had supplanted Allen as the starter, but Allen was the sixth man. Also, I still had Murphy coming off the bench on this team, and Luc Richard Mbah Boute and he would spell minutes for Pierce and Allen and Garnett all season. This would be an older team, but I think that this maybe could have happened. The only credible threat I had consistently out of the East were the Magic and the Hawks sometimes. Lebron in Cleveland kept losing in the first round, almost every year.

Another interesting footnote from this simulation: Kobe Bryant left Los Angeles after the second Finals loss to me and went to...the Minnesota Timberwolves. This doesn't seem that odd, I suppose, since the coach of the team at the time would have been Kurt Rambis, an ex-coach of Kobe's, and Phil Jackson had retired after he lost to the Celtics twice. He did really well with the Timberwolves, actually. They kept Al Jefferson, had Kevin Love still, and added a few more quality players, and had first seed in the West in 2011-12, but lost in the first round by a large upset to the New Orleans Hornets, who still had Chris Paul. He only got as far as the Western Conference Finals in 2012-13. I was pulling for the Timberwolves/Celtics Finals, but it didn't happen.

Uneven Odds of Winning (Blog)

You can't beat yourself up for doing stupid things, but sometimes you just feel like an idiot. I was hanging out with my brother tonight and he was going to buy some lottery tickets, because of course the jackpot is up to a trillion dollars (or something like that), and I asked him to get me some tickets. Of course, if I had won I would be ecstatic, but what are the odds of that?

I didn't go crazy by any means. I spent less than $10 on some tickets, but still. I make fun of people who buy scratch off tickets every week and here I am doing what they do. I know the odds are bad and I see people every week who waste their money on these games. If you have fun with it, I don't judge, but for me, it is wasteful. I have never thought that it was worth it. Again, it's not a lot of money, but think what I could have done with that money? I could have bought a book, or lunch tomorrow, or paid for part of a movie.

I'm not distraught by any means, but I am embarrassed for myself. I let the possibility of winning money cloud my previous judgment that told me that buying these tickets is just not worth it. At least for me it's not. It was fun for a minute to think I might win something, but then that feeling was followed by the crushing realization that I would never see that money again.

I wonder if people who play regularly get this feeling, too. Maybe it is fun for them, or why else would they play it? I'm not putting myself on a pedestal over this, because I have less than constructive activities that I can't stop doing myself (web surfing, karaoke, and television come to mind). I think it comes back to moderation and control. In regards to my addictive activities, I feel better if I'm writing a blog or reading scholarly articles when surfing the web than if I'm looking at funny pictures of penguins or watching silly Youtube videos. Same with t.v.: if I'm watching something really cool or instructive, a really good movie, or a documentary maybe, I feel like I'm wasting my time less than if I'm watching Ice Loves Coco on the E! Channel.

It would be nice to disconnect and just be by myself for a while, at least just a few hours. I could just lay down in bed or on a couch and read a book. I think the lottery ticket buyer might like to not play for a week, too. It could be as stressful for them as it was for me tonight, wondering every week if you are a winner, checking numbers, and starting all over again if you don't win. I would like to say I won't ever buy a ticket again, but I really can't say that. Maybe when I start to feel the urge, I'll read my own advice here.