Coat of Letting Go, A Jacket for Freedom (Poem)

I once had a coat, a hoodless hoodie of sorts.

I let her wear it because it was cold.

She gladly accepted because it was cold; I could put up with the cold better than her

Though she could probably put up with life better than me.

She gave it back afterwards and thanked me for my kindness.

I loved her and held on too long.

But how do we define these things?

What's too long and what's not long enough?

When I wanted to think of her, I simply wore the coat

And I wore it often. It became my go-to jacket of choice.

When things didn't work out at first those many years ago

But only a year before I let her wear the coat, or less even,

I became lost and wanted to die.

That moment of losing the will to live was more about me than her

And it took me a long time, or so it seemed then, to learn how to want to live for me.

It's been so long since then, since that afternoon when I wanted to end it all.

Her wearing the coat seemed a beacon in the night to my young self

I was only 17 then, so long ago it seems,

A lifetime and yesterday at the same time.

I've been there since, the place of wanting to die, though not as bad, if one can measure these things,

And not for as long, or as intense or as close as I was to it then,

The pain that I felt would surface in fits, though now it's a dull memory,

A nostalgic bad memory that seems so silly now.

She was so kind and I had read her poetry; I was lost to her then.

The lines of pain and love that washed over me completely,

Her heart poured out, as if only to me, her words a testament to young love and pain,

A recipe that was new to me then and a loving memory now.

But the coat when I wore it was a memory of her, a tangible link to the past and her life with me.

The coat had become tattered and stained in places that wouldn't wash out.

I wore it still because I couldn't let go.

I sat thinking about her again and wearing the coat.

Could it have only been four or five years since I'd seen her? It didn't seem like it then.

This all seems so silly now; it was just a coat and her just a girl.

What did it matter that she had worn it and I might never see her again?

Even now, my friends advise me that I hang on too long to things that need to be let go.

But I sat there with that coat on and looked at the blackened sleeves,

The bit of gum that wouldn't come out, the tears here and there that likely couldn't be fixed,

And I took the coat off and held it thinking of her.

Then I walked to a nearby trash can and put it inside.

I was in a public place and it seemed it wasn't quite cold enough to wear a jacket anyway.

I still like wearing jackets, coats, and hoodies, and take any occasion at all to do so,

But I thought about her a little less after that coat was disposed of and in a trash can.

Tempered Passionate Logic (Poem)

Why does love always feel like a battlefield?

To be fair, it doesn't always feel like that.

Sometimes it goes right, but often it feels I do it wrong.

Should it be easy? Should I have to fight it? Fight for it?

I make mistakes, I've made mistakes, I'm making mistakes

Every once in a while, I feel right, it felt right, I'm feeling good.

Are those moments worth the times when it doesn't feel right?

Are you even aware of what you made me feel?

But that's not fair, because you didn't really do anything

Except be you.

And it doesn't matter that you don't believe me

It doesn't matter that I was believed to be disingenuous

I asked for this battle, because apparently I don't like anything to be simple

Difficult is good; difficult is safe   Because if I fail, it's not my fault

At least not entirely.

Where's the challenge in accomplishing the possible?


I listen to that song and it reminds me of you

I remember how we laughed, or how I cried

When I realized I had hurt you.

To realize I could do that was a realization I didn't like, I didn't want.

I wanted to forget I could do that or how to do that, but maybe not,

Because then I would know how to not do it, right?

I cut myself off from that feeling and couldn't believe I could be that person,

but it seems obvious now that I was.

And how wrong I was; and how it didn't matter if you had hurt me, too, my justification for it,

My reason for being so mean, when I never wanted to be, though I was hurt.

It seems I was mean right back, though spite is never solved or answered by more of the same.

I am sorry, but it doesn't matter: the world has moved on and so have we.

 I can resolve to be a better person going forward and not lash out with angry words again.

I can promise to act with honor (and honor myself, too), act with patience,

and communicate with reasonable reason tempered with a modicum of passion,

While still burning when I need to, want to, have to...

And maybe next time the process will go a little smoother.

The Love Police (Poem)

Inspired/borrowed from Wyclef Jean and Mary J. Blige's song 911.

If Death comes for me tonight, babe,
I want you to know
That I loved you.

I would only reveal my tears to you.

Tell the authorities in the Love Police that I'm not home tonight.
Messin' around with you
Is gonna get me a life of this.

But when I look into your eyes
Girl, you're worth the sacrifice.

If this is the kind of love Mama used to warn me about
Man, I'm in trouble.
I'm in real big trouble.
If this is the kind of love the older folks used to warn me about
Man, I'm in trouble.
I'm in real big trouble.

Someone please call 9-1-1.
Tell them I've just been shot down
And the bullet's in my heart
And it's piercing through my soul
Feel my body getting cold.

Someone please call 9-1-1.
The alleged assailant is a beautiful girl
And she shot me through my soul
Feel my body getting cold.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a prisoner
I think I'm trapped here for a while
And every breath I fight to take
Is as hard as these four walls; I want to break.

I told the Love Police that you weren't here tonight
Messin' around with me
Is gonna get you a life of this.

But every time I look into your eyes
Boy, It's worth the sacrifice.

If this is the kind of love that your mom used to warn you about
Girl, you're in trouble
You're in real big trouble.

If this is the kind of love the older folks used to warn me about
Man, I'm in trouble.
I'm in real big trouble.

Someone please call 9-1-1.
Tell them I just got shot down
And it's piercing through my soul
Feel my body getting cold


Someone please call 9-1-1.
Can you do that for me?
The alleged assailant is a beautiful girl
And she shot me through my soul
And he shot through my heart
Feel my body getting cold.

Tell What We're Gonna Do Now (Poem/Lyrics)

A poem lifted from Joss Stone's "Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now" 

You don't have to make your mind up
'Cause I just want to take my time with you
If that's all right.

Forgive me if I get too shy, but
Maybe you're the reason why, Love,
I'm feeling butterflies.

There's something about the look in your eyes
It makes me feel so right.

When my mind's void,
You're my joy,
You're the dream
When I sleep.
I adore you; you're everything
That I need.
I love how you
Love me.
If I'm made for you
Then you're made for me
It's too good to be

Tell me what we're gonna do now.

Funny how my world spinning
Sometimes you can be so silly
You always know just how to make me laugh.
Your skin is so lovely
I'm moved when you touch me;
I know that you have my back
I feel so alive when I hold you
It's like you've always known me.


When my mind's void,
You're my joy,
You're the dream
When I sleep.
I adore you; you're everything
That I need.
I love how you
Love me.
If I'm made for you
Then you're made for me
It's too good to be

Tell me what we're gonna do now.

I love how you make me smile.
Don't leave; please stay
For a while
Let's make this happen
I don't care how.


When my mind's void,
You're my joy,
You're the dream
When I sleep.
Hey, I'm for ya.
I adore you; you're everything
That I need.
I love how you
Love me.
I'm made for you
You're made for me.

Tell me what we're gonna do.
Tell me what we're gonna do now.

(Fiction) Third Planet in the Gothic Constellation of Thanatos

The planet is called Eva and it’s the third planet in what they called the Thanatos constellation. Eva is the only planet that can support life in this system. The planet has the same name as a woman in their mythology. The story reminds me of Persephone from Greek mythology as I read it. There was a young woman who had traveled to a cemetery with the intention of killing herself. She was the most beautiful woman around, as far as she knew. The beautiful young woman removed her knife to slit her wrists, but Death appeared before her before she could start. Death found her to be a striking beauty and had appeared to convince her to reconsider. The woman protested and told him she would shortly be with him in death after she killed herself. Death said she wouldn’t be the same after Death. He was in love with her and would do anything to make love to her once. Reluctantly, Eva agreed to be his lover, but made Death promise that her relatives and ancestors would have long lives free of disease. Death quickly agreed and the deal was done. Death was not omniscient, however, and he had been tricked. The woman had planned to strike the unholy deal from the beginning. Her family had an illness that was passed on through the generations and her family line was in danger of dying. The woman herself was close to succumbing to the effects of the sickness even as she arrived at the cemetery. Death and the woman did become lovers and the child’s name was Eva. Eva lived a long life, as per the agreement, but when Death learned he had been tricked, he failed to remove Eva’s illness. She lived a long life, but it was eventually full of pain from her family’s genetic illness. Rather than go mad, Eva endured, and even prospered, despite her pain. The story was a symbol for the planet and surviving through hardships.

            This world hardly seemed harsh to me yet, but the only place I’ve seen so far is the friendly environment of my father’s house. He was taking care of my every need, but maybe I was becoming sheltered from reality. I continue my lessons, but I think of little Eva from the story often. 

            After lunch one day, I ask my father about the story of Eva. He tried to hide his disappointment that I was asking about something I probably should have learned about ages ago.

            “Well, it is a tragic story, but inspiring at the same time. She lived a life in pain, but she tried to enjoy and cherish an existence that she had every reason to despise.”

            “Forgive me for asking . . . my memory is still a little fuzzy, you know . . . but is Eva really that bad of a place to live?”

            He hesitates before he answers. “It is no paradise at times, to be sure, but a home is what one makes it. There are many beautiful things to be found on this world, or any other, if one knows where to look.”

            “You’re doing . . . fine with your lessons. Keep up the pace and you will be your old self in no time.” 
I know he’s lying, and I feel bad that I’m not moving faster, but there is little I can do but continue to try my best. 

A little better

Reading three books in three days and starting on a fourth the fourth day, but slept mostly today.

Trying to avoid thinking about things in life, trying to get lost in the words.

Some of the books help a bit with the life thing, but they serve to remind that there are things to be solved.

Not problems, really, I don't really want to call them that, but things that need a solution

Or that I want there to be a solution to.

Maybe there are no solutions to some things, and they are just how they are.

Things only have the power you give them, whether it is a broken heart or a broken sword.

I read that in a comic book sometime about a decade ago. I've read a lot of those.

The books I read now, or at least in the last few days, have been "book" books, though.

They take a little longer to read than comic books. I can read a 22-page comic in 2 to 8 minutes, depending on the story.

You can take your time and enjoy it, and I do, but once you've read a few hundred of them, you're able to even process the information in a comic book at breakneck speed.

I tried to count the number of comic books I had read in my lifetime before. It's definitely in the hundreds and may even be in the thousands.

After I read, or after I watch a movie, those things I don't want to think about are still there. Even when I write sometimes, those issues are still there.

I'm not sure I can call them issues, but things I'm thinking about, things that even now are on the edge of my mind, but I don't want to think about.

My life is only what I've made it right now, but I'm going to make it different.

I certainly can't say that it's bad, but there are things I am going to change.

The world wasn't created overnight, though, and neither will my life be changed in a day.

There are things I can change, though, and now.

Attitude is one thing a person can change, though I've always had a great one of those.

I think I am generally happy, but there are things that have happened lately that I let make me less so.

Notice I didn't say the things that happened made me less happy, because I control that.

It's a fallacy to let yourself become upset, but humans having fallacies is what makes them human.

I don't strive for perfection; I only want to make myself a little better.

You Gotta Love Someone

"You can win the fight
You can grab a piece of the sky
You can break the rules
But before you try

You gotta love someone
You gotta love someone.

You can stop the world,
Steal the face from the moon
You can beat the clock
But before high noon

You gotta love someone
You gotta love someone

...

You can cheat the devil
And slice a piece of the sun
Burn up the highway
But before you run

You gotta love someone
You gotta love someone.

...

You can win the fight
You can grab a piece of the sky
You can break the rules
But before you try

You gotta love someone
You gotta love someone."

From Elton John's "You Gotta Love Someone"