Technology Fix

I’m learning more all the time about online communications. Sometimes I feel I write as if I’m a visitor from the past and just learning about these new computers.

Something I’ve considered today, something I probably should have thought of before today, is appropriate conversations to have online. I don’t mean just not inappropriate things to say, but conversations you shouldn’t have online, but in person. If I’m talking out issues and questions concerning a relationship, maybe I should wait to raise some of those issues in person. Not the issue I was imagining, but I’m reminded of the episode of Sex and the City in which a character breaks up with Carrie Bradshaw via a post it note. Maybe there are conversations you should have in person, whether it be for embarrassment or just because it’s a more personal conversation.

For all my talk of being an internet noob, I can handle myself online a bit. I think maybe I just like to be mindful of the entire process. I do like privacy, but I don’t mind saying some things that I’m into: H.P. Lovecraft, NBA basketball, comic books.

I use the internet to enjoy these things.

Buy Lovecraft books on Amazon. Watch NBA streams online. Download comic books off torrent sites or read from online subscriptions.

Activity journal quick hits:
Started reading Lovecraft’s letters to Robert Barlow. Sad preface to the book. Barlow wasn’t able to see Lovecraft on his deathbed before he died and Barlow may have killed himself over the threatened revelation of his homosexuality. Lovecraft corresponded with Barlow when he was as young as 13, though Lovecraft was unaware of his age until they had been corresponding for three or four years.

The Golden State Warriors have a very good basketball team this season. Steph Curry is an incredible player and he may end up being an all-time great player. He is fun to watch. Watching a live online feed of the Warriors game. Jazz and Warriors tied. Jerry Sloan, longtime coach of the Utah Jazz, will be honored at half time. He holds the record for most wins with one franchise and for technical fouls.

Rereading the Fantastic Four comic book series. (Reading for the first time for some stories). The cbr files read better on my phone than the Marvel Comics Unlimited app. I read the cbr files on the comic book reader app Komik, and I can’t speak highly enough of the Komik app. Convenient to be able to read comics on my phone. I used cbr files when I did research for my undergraduate degree in English. One of the funnest papers I wrote was a paper for a Queer Theory class on sexuality themes in Grant Morrison’s New X-Men. ‘Impotent Supergods’ was the title, I think.

I’m able to enjoy these things through the internet, and I think I enjoy them as much or more with others. I like sharing my interests with others, and it can be gratifying to share yourself with other people.

Another part of myself I’ve shared lately is what I affectionately call my book addiction. That may be a post for another time, but maybe I should start reading more of them right now.

Another aspect of my online life I am thinking of is my ability to fix my computers. I am no computers technician, but I know how to use Google. I’ve solved many a problem (with admitted assists from actual computer tech friends). I still don’t know how to talk about computers sometimes, and maybe I can’t keep up with computer techs, but I like to have these conversations about mediated communications online and our interfaced lives with computers.

Simulated Feeling, But No Less Real (Poem)

Lost I was, thinking of you.
Lost, past tense I say or do I lie?
That first visceral feeling I felt
Seeing you for the first time sitting outside before class.
Was that the root of what I felt?
Pure lust for your smooth tan thighs?
Is all the flowery talk of love and life just nothing but lies?
I don’t think so, but maybe a mix of truths.
Talking of romantic things, then looking at you,
Hearing romantic thoughts come out of your pretty face,
Imaging talking to you in all those beautiful imaginary places.
Talking to you now in the present place,
Recognizing my admiration you did, admiring my appreciation of beauty of all things
Even of you and this impossible ideal I set up in my mind.
All of these beautiful thoughts and things are as beautiful as they were then
As real as they ever were, or even more so.
Idle thoughts really, but aren’t those the best kind?
Imaging us together, but no more than we ever were than when we met.
I live to love bravely, though perhaps too quickly or slowly with you,
How hard to trust a fiery love that burns with disingenuous flame.
How easy to regret a question asked too late or soon
Or never said at all.
Simulated feeling, a facsimile of love,
Does a cloned emotion result in any less of a broken heart?
Broken I am not, but remembering you tonight I am,
Wallowing in an emotion,
Reminiscent for an epic romance that never was,
Lost in the pages of that book you lent me,
Misremembering a love you scarcely caused.

Stuck

Stuck waking up early. Had dreams today, but don’t remember as much. Need to start writing them down.

I’ve been more social lately and am actually getting out a little bit more. Need to start doing things that don’t cost as much money, though, ‘cause I need to save money. It’s my own fault, really.

I’m trying to not be too hard on myself still. I can always start saving again and being more thrifty. I did it in November and part of December, so I can again.

Full week. Feel like I was pushing it too much maybe, trying to do too much. Friday: shopping, chilling, movie. Saturday: eating out again, mini-golf. Sunday: watching football out (no cable). Monday: work. Tuesday: work, movie, etc. Wednesday: aborted plans that included a concert, lots of sleeping.

Future? More of the same this week. Book club tomorrow and meeting a friend for lunch and catching up. At least I think lunch. Haven’t figured out what to do or where to go. Work Saturday. Museum Sunday with another friend.

Time to start saving again, though, too.

Can't We Just All Get Along?

I hate being around people who are fighting. It happens to everyone at some point, but, like sometime said last night who was around this fighting, it reminds you of when your parents fought.

My friend fought with her friend. It was all a bit of a misunderstanding, like these things are, but I felt like find consideration could have saved the day, or spared some feelings anyway.
My older friend seemed to want us to take sides, but I didn’t want to do that. My side is peace. I had gone outside to talk to the girl who was crying and my friend whose house we were at wanted the girl to leave her house and told us to come back inside and told her to leave. I wanted to comfort the woman who was being kicked out, but I listened to her and went back inside.
The people inside afterwards were saying mean things about the girl who got kicked out, and I didn’t appreciate it, but didn’t say anything. If I had been the stronger person I wanted to be,I would have told my friend that I don’t take sides with friends. It turns out there was another reason for the fight, or another stated reason anyway, but I feel strongly that she wanted people to take sides. Even the drama that this drama is supposed to be about shouldn’t be a huge deal and had been exaggerated to my reckoning. I was merely trying to be kind and I regret going back inside when she asked me, to. It seems petty on her part, and I should have said no.

Virtual and more or less than real adventures in awkwardness

I’ve had some experiences with mediated communication mixing with personal ones. I mean, everyone has, especially with the internet being a reality. I mean comparing online interactions with face to face ones. It can seem as if you’re better friends with someone than you really are. It seems Facebook had changed the definition of the word friend. Are all these people on our friends list really our friends? Maybe they are friends in a different way.

I’ve had friends who I’ve had long conversations with, chatting about comics and cosplay and Dragon Con and all things geeky. Online these chats were, and long and interesting and involved, too. Jokes made, anecdotes shared, confessions made. Then the revelation: a meeting in person. In my mind I imagined all of these things I was going to say, how it was going to be, the feelings I would have. But I met her and I felt awkward and I didn’t know what to say. I tried to talk for a bit, and I did manage a short conversation, but then I decided to leave, because I was feeling awkward and didn’t know what to say. Maybe I should’ve stayed longer and worked through the awkwardness, feeling the feelings of not knowing what to say.

Was it because I had a crush on her? Did I have a crush on her? Can you get to know someone through a few (okay, a lot of) conversations online? On the MTV show Catfish, people meet another person online and then find out he or she is not as the person represented themselves. This was not that situation: I first met this woman in person and I know she is who she said she is. Or do I? You can’t second guess everything, but Catfish does remind us that you can be deceived online. Could it be a friend of hers who talks to me at times? Or her boyfriend? I don’t think so, but who knows?

So, I got cold feet. I was tongue tied. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that her boyfriend was sitting there. I don’t think I had designs on her affections (she’s given me no indication that she wasn’t happy with the guy), even though I do find her looks and personality very attractive.

I don’t doubt that I could have a conversation with her if given another chance. I was very nervous. Maybe I do have a crush on her. Crushes can be these innocent things and don’t have to be the end or the beginning of anything. I’ve talked to her since. Things seem to be pretty okay, but it’s still online and text right now. Maybe I’ll see her again (it’s likely even. We have some friends in common.) I think I just have to temper my expectations and be more confident.

As to the question of whether our not you can develop feelings for someone from online interactions, I think maybe you can. If both parties are honest and present a face that can be understood or related to. People in face to face interactions don’t always represent themselves truthfully, after all. I’ve maintained many a friendship, crush, or love through online interactions, so I think it’s possible.

In this post, I started briefly by presenting this situation as a hypothetical (I’ve had friends…) and moved to the very real story of what had happened. Call it confessional blogging, but it’s a big load off my mind

Production measurement devices

As opposed to yesterday’s semi-productive state, today neared levels of vegetative states. I worked today, so I wasn’t totally unproductive, but I feel like I didn’t get much done, and that’s okay.

I didn’t make any progress on my book today, but I did find out that I have off the day of the book club meeting, so that’s a plus. I think I was about 42% finished last time I signed off the Kindle app. Not sure I like knowing the percentage of how much farther I have to go in the book. Sometimes when I’m reading a book in print, I try not to look at the page numbers and just enjoy reading, but that can be as distracting as knowing the page number.   
Anyway, work’s kind of a blur, because it was really busy. I know
I walked to lunch with a coworker, but I think I just watched a movie on my lunch break, when normally I would read some of my book. I have until the 24th to read it, so I should be okay.

I spent my time at home chatting on Facebook. Some of what I talked about was opening up to people, with me fearing doing so too quickly. But you know what? I’m going to embrace that fear, or face it rather (whichever makes more sense. Maybe both), and open up as much as I feel comfortable doing or want to even. Why should I be afraid for someone to know me? Consequences might just be a more authentic self, and that would be a good thing.  
Unproductive day may have started bad after I woke up late after starting to watch Walking Dead. Woke up late, not even time for a shower. Time for one now, I think, and maybe I’ll try to read a little of my book.

Not the conversation I’ve been promising, but I did talk a little about mediated communication, I suppose. Facebook can be such a time drain. A different world, a unique version of cyberspace, where people get lost, interact, and seemingly find themselves all over again, all in the span of a few hours or minutes even, drifting in a simulated world perhaps real in a different way.

IT Sympathy and More Random Thoughts

I think maybe I’m done being productive today. Not that I was very productive to begin with. I did read a bit for the book club that I joined, that is if I can find a way there, and if I get it off work. I asked for it off, but generally we’re only granted 3 off days a week (if we’re lucky) and I had already asked for one, so who knows? I’d be nice is all I’m saying, but I guess I shouldn’t hold my breath.

Back to today. Waited for the internet guys to get here today. Supposed to be between one and three; they came a little after 2. Guy asks me if it’s okay to drill a hole in the wall. I don’t really know what to say: it’s not my house. I asked my dad and felt kinda stupid for asking, but I didn’t think I should just say sure, even though I was *pretty* sure he was going to say it was cool, which it was. Then the guy asked me if my computer was wireless and I didn’t really know how to answer that. I mean it can be. I asked him what he meant and though I was sure I could have figured out, I thought I should go ahead and let him set it up since he was getting paid for it and everything. It took him a second and he eventually did set it up, but I spared him from having to set up the other 10 devices this household wanted to set up (only slightly exaggerating). I thought I’d let the guy slide with setting up one, since he was pretty nice and it wouldn’t take me much longer than him to do it. (When it took me longer than a minute to set up his laptop, my dad wanted to run the guy down. I all but told him, ‘I got this!,’ and after taking the device upstairs so he wasn’t literally breathing on my neck to set it up, I had him ready to go in less than 5 minutes.) Patience is a virtue, but I can see what Information Technology guys and gals probably go through, even though my skills are limited.

Later I collected on a Christmas present (guy who rents a room here gave me an IOU for a Subway sub) and watched an Arnold Swarzenegger film with my father. Not bad. The one with Sif from Thor and Johnny Knoxville. At one point, after questioning the logistics of a scene for I suppose one too many times, my father answered with, ‘Because it’s a movie.’ Oh Kay.

On my third book this year still. I put down Ender in Exile just in case I can make it to Book Thief book club meeting. So if I finish those this month I’ll still be on a good pace. I told myself last year that I wouldn’t be overly concerned with reading pace or number of books read, but I’m having fun keeping track of it.

Also, I had a shopping lapse. Spent 9 bucks on Kindle this weekend (not that bad) and 90 at Barnes & Noble (a little worse), though 25 was toward a membership (made sense with how much I was getting). I still have a bit saved and a plan to save more, though sometimes I’m not sure what I’m saving towards, though I have a general idea. Independence? Financial security? Dragon Con? Still need to get that credit card paid off, student loans, and medical bill from hurting my shoulder. It’ll happen, but I’m beating myself up for spending too much. Can’t be helped now. At least I’m working and I have vacation soon. I don’t think I’ll go anywhere or do much. Just sequester myself in my room and read all these books. Not to say I won’t go out with friends maybe.

Still more on online communication to come. Just putting it off more.